Saturday, February 20, 2010 @ 8:01 AM
The house feels big, scary and creepy now. Funny that i'm feeling like this all of a sudden, since i've always felt safest at home. But something within me is changing. Something that i need to start coming to terms with.I didn't really celebrate my 18th birthday, partly because i'm fearful of the responsibilities and expectations that would come along with it. And yet, i seem to be thriving on fear since the beginning of school this year. Fear of not meeting deadlines, fear of criticism/rejection....Perhaps it's fear that keeps me going most of the time. After all, what's life without a bit of a thrill? Thrill is a subjective word, since i'm trying so hard to look at this in a positive light. The thoughts above came after many people have brought truckloads of comments to me. How i've become more withdrawn and isolated from others, how i'm starting to become even more solemn and quiet (which is a bad thing because i'm already an introvert to begin with). And that, to an extent, is true. How many clique outings have i missed so far? Plenty. How long has it been since i've sat down properly to have a good talk with my parents? I can't even remember. How long has it been since i've not walked at a neckbreaking pace? I don't even remember the last time i took a leisurely stroll. After spending so much time chasing after the tangible pleasures of life (e.g. good results), i think i've lost sight of what truly means to me.I should really start to get a hold on myself and reflect. And i should stop trying to decipher the internal workings of your brain, since it reaps no results eventually anyway. But you mean too much to me for me to give up. I'll keep trying, till i manage to break through it.
