the truth isn't what you want to see

2011-09-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Major fangirl post! Do not read if it irritates you or makes your hair stand on end. You have been warned (:

SHINee World Singapore 2011.

I died/melted/hyperventilated/fainted/screamed 100000000 times over the course of three hours on Saturday night. Didn't manage to take many pictures this time because the security personnel were really strict and swopped down on us the moment we whipped out our cameras ): But i managed to sneak a few before the concert actually began and i was too immersed in singing along and jumping up and down to bother taking pictures anyway. They will be posted at this end of this entry.

I'm sorry but i just need to give a blow-by-blow account of last night's events. So you still have a chance to back out. Now, before it's too late.

Sure you want to continue?

Alright.

Met YJ at freaking 10am at Kallang Leisure Park so we could get some work done before the concert. Met Hafiz and his friend Aneza at about 2pm to queue for merchandise. It was a total epic fail and a disappointment because a) They had nothing else left except the official lightsticks and b) We got conned into posing for the M.Net TV Crew. Needless to say, me, YJ and Aneza all ducked behind Hafiz. For once my height (or lack thereof) was put to good use! So we each bought a lightstick in the end, and went to slack/rant/chat along the Kallang River. Walked till we were tired, then went back to KLP to sit down and chat somemore. Met Jing Hui to collect our tickets and merchandise, and it was only when we reached the Indoor Stadium when all the fun started. So we parted with Hafiz and Aneza, and headed towards the North Entrance where our seats were.

To be honest, i'm not a fan of loud noises, especially the booming ones that i still couldn't get accustomed to even after Super Show 3, so i was pretty restless and irritated during the first few songs. Somehow booming music made me anxious for my hearing. But as the concert progressed, the excitement started to build up, especially for me and YJ. Our initial reluctance to cheer was fuelled by the fact that the people in our section were all so tame and quiet, but after the 3rd or 4th song this conversation took place...

Me: *after being the only person screaming for Onew* OMG SO EMBARRASSING!!!

YJ: DON'T CARE DON'T CARE! SCREAM! SCREAMMMMM!

I don't think i need to say what happened next. Hahaha.

So SHINee was performing one of their songs (Heck i can't even remember what song it is already), and i think it was towards the end of the concert. Onew finally came to the stage nearest to our section, and naturally YJ and I stood up, screamed and jumped up and down. Not to get his attention on purpose, mind you. We just did that because we were just so high and excited. BUT. Next thing we knew, he suddenly pointed right in our direction and smiled at us! My next reaction was to look around, and realise that everybody around us was sitting down (and looking at us as though we were aliens), and i thought "Hey we're the only ones standing up!". Immediately me and YJ turned to each other and screamed in unison "OMGEEEEEE HE SMILED AT US!". It must have been amusing for him because he smiled at us (AGAIN, OMG) and laughed.

I was ready to melt into a puddle of goo and die.

Anyway, being the selfish people that we were, we decided to run down to the front of the terrace when they were bowing and greeting everybody at the end of the concert. We were just trying to pull out that one more smile from him, but he didn't smile at us again, though he did glance at us (but didn't smile,tsk). *cringe* I probably looked like a lunatic screaming away, with my eyes and nose red because i was crying during the concert from ummm excessive emotions :D

Met Hafiz and Aneza outside the Stadium after the concert, and we were still screaming away. Ahem, nobody can recognise us anyway so who cares if we were totally embarrassing ourselves.

Smiled to myself all the way home on the bus.

I must be crazy.

Sorry for the disjointed post, even reminiscing about it is exciting, so pardon me if i sound somewhat incoherent.

Anyway, Literature Paper 1 is on tomorrow, and that marks the beginning of our Prelim 2. I know that i should probably be doing other things rather than typing out this post, but my head feels too saturated to squeeze in anymore stuff so i shall just leave it at that. I hope things turn out well this time round anyway; i did what i could over the one week holiday.

Ending off this post with some of the photos of SWC in Singapore (:

I can't recall what song they were performing, but the sea of turquoise lightsticks were just amazing!

I think they were performing Lucifer here. As you can see, our seats were really really far away ): (But Onew could still spot us from this distance omg!! Okay enough)

With my "frienemy"/Yan Jie/fellow Onew fan after the concert! I don't know how she can still smile like that, I was pretty much in a heightened state of euphoria and could hardly walk properly, hence the weird crooked smile.

Some of the stuff we got from the concert. I purchased TWO lightsticks (told you i'm crazy) and a fan. The banner was given out by fans before the concert for Key's birthday project. Didn't manage to get anything else since everything was snapped up after just an hour.

That's it! Bye SWC, Hello Prelim 2!

2011-08-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

The thing i love the most about my room is the breeze that blows in through my window. Strangely enough, i initially had an irrational fear of the huge tree outside for reasons even i can't quite fathom myself. But now i love opening the windows to let the cool breeze in, especially early in the morning or late at night. It takes some of the pain away while i'm struggling with yet another essay or another truckload of content to memorise.

Everything that i've been working and striving for for the past 3 years will be determined solely by a single examination. It's not just any examination, it is THE examination. As i reflect on my experience in MI, i feel a tinge of sadness at how it's going to be over all so soon. Sure, the studying and endless lectures and tutorials were painful; but the great memories i had with this class takes the pain away. It pains me that very soon, we'll all be going our seperate ways to pursue the dreams that we each have, and all of the happy memories will just be exactly that ;distant memories. Why is it that good things never last long enough?

I remember someone telling me once that a person who holds on stubbornly to the past will never be able to succeed in life. This came from someone who was willing to give up anything in his life to get what he wants; and i respect him for that. I shall always keep this in mind. I don't think my experiences are rich enough yet to be passing a judgement on this, but i believe that my questions will be answered in time to come, and time will tell.

As i sit here night after night, going through essays, lecture notes and mindmaps, i constantly ask myself if i truly know what i want in life. Perhaps not yet. Results are still the bottomline, so that is what i'm going to have to work for first. Whatever it takes is what i'm going to do, despite the exhaustion, the pressure, the frustration, knowing that we're not alone in this is a great source of comfort. For the first time in my 19 years, i actually truly believe that i'm fighting this battle in the best condition possible, because we're all made for greater and better things.

At the end of the day, sometimes it really does boil right down to how badly we want something. Perhaps the A Levels are not really what it's all cracked up to be. Doing this in the best psychological and emotional state of mind is probably the deadliest weapon that we can have. And it is this very weapon which will ensure our success. It's not a lot of time, but let's make the remaining time that we have worthwhile (:

2011-07-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

I'm finally blogging again after a long time.

Firstly, yes, i gave in to temptation again this time and purchased tickets to the first SHINee World Concert in Singapore. I've cashed nearly $500 on just two concert tickets alone this year, of course not without my mother making an unholy amount of noise. I can't say i blame her,although i can't stand the nagging.

Other than that, much has changed since the last time i posted. Prelim 1 is over and the results are back. Satisfactory? Probably. But as the teachers love to emphasise, the competition is out there and a lot more has to be done. School has also been like a hellhole lately; watching all the Year 3's sitting in class, fervently scribbling or doing revision. I don't know how to cope with all this, and sometimes i just want to damn it all and run away. Of course, deep inside, i know that i'm already in too far to back out. So what other choice do i have but to grit my teeth and face up to it? Come to think of it, maybe the stress has driven me to a point that i didn't even hesitate to fork out that $221 for SHINee's concert. I think i need to get my head checked or something.

I've also moved into my new house 3 weeks ago; i must say i like this house better since the old one was getting really leaky and dilapitated (i've lived there for 14 years!). Aside from not being able to sleep well the first few nights (I'm a very strange person; i prefer old and squashy mattresses rather than nice, new, firm ones), i've settled in nicely. Though it does get disconcerting hearing ambulances pass by everyday. Not much of a surprise, given that the highway is just beside my block.

That's it for now i guess. The next time i blog, hopefully, i wouldn't be on the brink of ripping out my hair from sheer frustration.

2011-06-25T07:56:00.001-07:00

Finally decided to take my learning one step further by looking up John Milton's "Paradise Lost" on the internet, since both Wuthering Heights and Tess of the D'Urbervilles contain some allusions to it.

I don't know what fooled me into thinking a 17th Century poem will be comprehensible in this modern age.

Paradise Lost (John Milton)

When I beheld the Poet blind, yet bold,
In slender Book his vast Design unfold,
Messiah Crown'd, Gods Reconcil'd Decree,
Rebelling Angels, the Forbidden Tree,
Heav'n, Hell, Earth, Chaos, All; the Argument
Held me a while misdoubting his Intent,
That he would ruine (for I saw him strong)
The sacred Truths to Fable and old Song
(So Sampson groap'd the Temples Posts in spight)
The World o'rewhelming to revenge his sight.
Yet as I read, soon growing less severe,
I lik'd his project, the success did fear;
Through that wide Field how he his way should find
O're which lame Faith leads Understanding blind;
Lest he perplex'd the things he would explain,
And what was easie he should render vain.
Or if a Work so infinite he spann'd
Jealous I was that some less skilful hand
(Such as disquiet always what is well,
And by ill imitating would excell)
Might hence presume the whole Creations day
To change in Scenes, and show it in a Play.
Pardon me, Mighty Poet, nor despise
My causeless, yet not impious, surmise.
But I am now convinc'd, and none will dare
Within thy labours to pretend a share.
Thou hast not miss'd one thought that could be fit,
And all that was improper dost omit:
So that no room is here for Writers left,
But to detect their Ignorance or Theft.
That Majesty which through thy Work doth Reign
Draws the devout, deterring the Profane.
And things divine thou treatst of in such state
As them preserves, and thee, inviolate.
At once delight and horrour on us seise,
Thou singst with so much gravity and ease;
And above humane flight dost soar aloft
With plume so strong, so equal, and so soft.
The Bird nam'd from the Paradise you sing
So never flaggs, but always keeps on Wing.
Where couldst thou words of such a compass find?
Whence furnish such a vast expence of mind?
Just Heav'n thee like Tiresias to requite
Rewards with Prophesie thy loss of sight.
Well mightst thou scorn thy Readers to allure
With tinkling Rhime, of thy own sense secure;
While the Town-Bayes writes all the while and spells,
And like a Pack-horse tires without his Bells:
Their Fancies like our Bushy-points appear,
The poets tag them, we for fashion wear.
I too transported by the Mode offend,
And while I meant to Praise thee must Commend.
Thy Verse created like thy Theme sublime,
In Number, Weight, and Measure, needs not Rhime.

Help, anybody?

[Edit]

Now i'm even more confused. So Paradise Lost is an epic poem written in 12 books? What is that all about? So what is the significance of the above? *scratches head*

Maybe i shall just stop cracking my head over this so close to Prelim 1. Shall go seek clarification once exams are over.

2011-06-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

那是我所见过，最真最美的思念。

2011-06-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

Just had a really enjoyable time with Ms Mariya and the 09A3 lot, bowling and playing pool (: Thanks guys, you all never fail to make me laugh, though i think i'll take less of the 'dictionary' jokes. Just kidding, i know they're all good-natured (:

Anyway, i just happened to be looking through some things from a few years back. For the record, these things aren't exactly what i'll like to look at again, but it was necessary. It was necessary because i felt that it's time to come to terms with myself; time to be honest with what i truly want out of my life. What i found surprising was how disturbed and upset i felt despite the time that has passed. I believed that time would take the pain away, but all the same, my heart clenched so painfully, almost as if i was looking at it for the first time.

So i asked myself, have i truly gotten over this episode? My head is screaming for me to retain my pride and proclaim that i have gotten over all of it, but of course, the pain that i feel is just all too real; so real that i know i can't lie to myself no matter what.

Still, i feel proud that i've fallen, but managed to pick myself up again. It was a long and painful process, but maybe it was all for a good reason. I take comfort in the fact that i now wield the power to prevent a repeat of such an experience. But i still thank the Heavens for whatever that has happened; it has made me a stronger person and i am thankful for that.

2011-05-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

I was waiting outside my doctor's office at the hospital on Friday, reading Broader Perspectives, feeling cold, sick, tired and utterly at odds with the world.

I'm not in a depressed state, but my current bout of illness (yes, AGAIN) has left me in a very poor physical and emotional state of health. The awful investiture rehearsals has done nothing but aggravated my condition. How am i supposed to recover if things continually tick me off?

So while i was waiting for my turn, i was telling Yue Xiang over SMS about some things that have happened in the past week or so. A particular part of our conversation left a very deep impression on me. I've known Yue Xiang for more than 10 years perhaps; ever since we were in primary school. I was just bemoaning to her that morality no longer exists in this world; and her reply to me was 'Where adults exist, morality doesn't exist'. And that got me thinking.

I find it mildly disturbing that such a conversation took place between two girls who have known each other ever since they were children. Right now, we're both 19 and living in a different world, facing challenges that were beyond our grasp just 2 or 3 years ago when we parted ways after secondary school. Suddenly it occurred to me that we were all being thrust into a world which we perhaps aren't that ready to face. Nevertheless, whether we're ready or not, it appears that we now have no choice. Either face it head on or lose in this rat race. My point is that trying is preferable to giving up; at least give yourself a fighting chance to succeed on equal terms rather than give up and have zero chance of ever succeeding.

The thought of leaving MI next year intimidates me now. It's as though all my insecurities, fears and troubles hit home with just that one statement from Yue Xiang. Still, i wholeheartedly agree with her. I feel proud at the fact that we have matured so much, but yet i feel saddened that all of the optimism and hope that we felt as children have all faded off into nothingness.

I lost faith in human morality a long time ago. But sometimes, maybe, just maybe, that little bit of faith can do wonders.

2011-04-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, i shall admit the undeniable truth (: There are varying degrees of "nerdiness" alright!

2011-04-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

Saw this on Epicute.com and i want one really badly. This is a sure way to indulge in sinful pleasures without the guilt! It can replace my Elmo 'husband' that i hug to sleep every night. Yes, i admit that i'm 19 and i still hug stuffed toys while sleeping. Anybody knows where to get one?

2011-03-23T06:37:00.000-07:00

Was forced to reactivate my Facebook account (which i deactivated nearly 2 years ago) after Ms Chin insisted on it for her e-learning purposes.

Sigh. There goes the promise i kept to myself. It's not that i have anything against Facebook; i just feel like i'm already enough of a slave to the cyberworld, and that i shouldn't be creating more avenues to chain myself to the internet more.

Oh well. I can sense a sore throat coming up. And i feel sick.

Tsk. Don't feel like blogging anymore.

2011-03-09T05:07:00.000-08:00

I've been plagued with weird dreams and nightmares lately. It's probably not a good sign.

Haven't blogged for a long time, mostly because i no longer have all the time in the world to blog anymore. Nowadays my life is routine; school, home, homework, study, 1-2 hours of relaxation, sleep. Even during the weekends; just scrape school out of that routine.

It's been more than a week since Common Tests have been over, but we've only gotten back GP and Economics as of now.

I won't even talk about GP, but i will put my head on the chopping block if i don't manage to attain at least a D by Prelim 1. Economics is good (:

Geography has not even been handed back, but let's just say i don't really appreciate the terribly depreciating comments. It's true that reality is reality, but such comments don't really work well on me. It just serves to demoralise me further. Only gotten back Mdm Shamala's paper for Literature. Not very satisfactory, and Mdm Cho's paper probably isn't going to be that excellent either. Though it was somewhat expected that i will screw up Literature this time round (Refer to previous post)

Either way, i'm trying to put in all of my efforts into studying, but i guess today was testimony to what will happen if you don't know how to pace yourself. I completed a Poetry Comparison essay under timed conditions and an Economics essay, also under timed conditions. Initially wanted to do an SSQ and SQ after dinner, but eventually fell asleep and only woke up an hour later.

Burn out at this time of the year? Definitely not a good sign.

So i decided to surrender to the inevitable and read Newsweek instead; as though i'm trying to convince myself that i really am doing something productive.

Gonna do a GP essay tommorrow. I can't ignore the guilt in the pit of my stomach; that i've been touching EVERYTHING except GP Paper 1. I'm scared. Ok, correct that. I'm TERRIFIED of Paper 1 now.

Or maybe i should embark on a strict 'no more than 2 subjects per day' revision schedule to prevent a repeat of today's episode.

Sorry for the senseless ramblings. I needed to get that off my chest very badly.

2011-02-24T05:13:00.000-08:00

The Common Tests have officially ended (:

GP was a complete flop. I don't want to talk about it. I berate myself again for putting a C as my target when i felt that i knew better. Economics was okay i guess. Geography was okay, except for the Hydrology questions, which really were a horror. As for Literature, if i screw up this time round, i will really deserve it because i've been neglecting it. Would have had zero practice if it wasn't for the timed assignments set by the teachers.

Bottomline is, IT'S OVER!

Either way, i actually found myself being completely charmed by a poem today under exam conditions. Usually it's difficult to feel too much for a poem during an exam; you just want to write down what you need to and get the hell out of the exam hall. I was so drawn into the description of the persona's relationship with her lover that i found myself unable to write anything after a full 2 minutes. Naturally, after i dragged myself out of my thoughts, reality hit me in the face and i silently cursed myself for getting carried away.

It was only after the exam when i found out that i wasn't the only one. There's something just so enchanting about that poem. Not that i can identify with it or anything, but it just has a certain quality that makes you want to keep reading it over and over again.

Okay, i think something's not right with my head.

I shall stop this nonsense before i sidetrack and start going into some lengthy rant about hopeful love.

2011-02-19T06:54:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry if i seemed somewhat moody and bad-tempered yesterday. Screw my life.

I really detest the idea of having a person lecture me when his grasp of spoken English is not even equivalent to that of a typical A Level student.

Neither did i know that my hatred of a person could run so deep. That is, until i met you. I swear that was the most unfortunate day of my life.

You have NO RIGHT to comment on what i was asked to do. First of all, it's not even your business to begin with. Secondly, i wasn't given a choice or a chance to back out. I was simply following instructions and deferring to authority. You were the one who taught us that, weren't you? What gave you the idea that i had the autonomy to fight back, even though what i was made to do was so terribly unplatable?

I absolutely can't stand it when i'm forced to do something against my own will but will have to be the one to bear the full consequences should something go awry. Why is it that i'm always the one trapped, caught in between you people who abuse your authority and put me in diffcult situations? You just project your demands on me, and insist that it's merely for my own good.

My foot.

Don't even try to lecture me on SINCERITY when that's exactly what you lack. I don't care if you're trying to push my buttons and annoy me/boss me around for the fun of it. Just continue messing around with me and i really will snap. Oh, just to clarify, it will be to your disadvantage.

You don't deserve even a bit of my respect. And i don't see why i should be cordial towards you when you don't give me the due respect that i deserve.

Urgh, you just repulse me.

2011-02-04T18:22:00.000-08:00

Finally, i have the time to start uploading the Super Show 3 pictures (: I didn't even use a DSLR; it was merely a normal digital camera. I think it's pretty apparent from the poor photography skills (points at Yours Truly). Please pardon the poor quality.

The beginning of the concert. I swear Super Show 3 has got one of the most amazing visuals i've seen in my life.

Donghae! He was so friendly, it's hard to believe he's an idol. Cherie, this is for you (:

Sungmin (: Yue Xiang, this is for you!

My ultimate bias, Yesung! (:

He looks kind of pissed off here. I hope it wasn't due to my camera snapping away right in front of his face.

Ahaha, Lee Teuk! Such a funny and friendly guy!

Ryeowook! (: He's not my favourite, but he's really cute!

So that's it; there's actually A LOT more, but i won't be uploading all of them due to obvious reasons.

Study session with Cheryl later (: Oh, and Happy Lunar New Year everyone! (:

2011-01-30T07:20:00.000-08:00

It's close to 11.30pm and i've still got school tommorrow, so it's probably not a very good idea for me to be still blogging at this time.

BUT SUPER SHOW 3 WAS SIMPLY AWESOME! Too good and too amazing to be described in words, in my opinion. Which is why i shall let the pictures do the talking, rather than talk about it. I shall upload them only when i'm free though, so follow along if you want to view them(: It's a shame that the pictures were of such poor quality, partially due to my hands shaking from excitement half the time and the awkward angle of my seat. It was a good seat in the sense that it was only 2 rows away from the extended platforms(that's damned close!), but it was located right at the edge so i had to sit 45 degrees to the right in order to see what was going on over at the other side.

I simply just HAVE to blog about the following part, so ignore it if you can't stomach fangirl moments.

Yesung came to stand right in front of my section, and to be honest i wasn't that crazy about shaking hands or whatsoever (i was more concerned about safety issues and i didn't want people knocking me over), but i somehow managed to get right in front of the stage without any obstructions. So there i was, standing there half-stunned and unable to move (i think i was just shell-shocked), and he was looking around at the crowd. I was just standing there, when Cherie came beside me and started screaming his name to get his attention. He looked straight at the both of us, then smiled and waved. Thanks Cherie! (:

OKAY I NEARLY FAINTED HERE BECAUSE HE LOOKED STRAIGHT AT ME! HE FREAKING LOOKED AT ME!

What happened next was likely to be awfully embarrassing because i was probably gaping away like a fish. Cherie was screaming at me to stretch my hand out to him, but i don't know why; he looked somewhat unhappy about all the fans around me clamouring to give him their hand towels or whatever, so i just smiled at him and took a couple more pictures. Yes, i must have been stark bonkers to not seize the opportunity, but something seemed to stop me at that point of time. Maybe it was because i feared that he would reject my handshake and end up embarrassing myself in the process.

Either way, some other fan pushed me out of the way to hand him her hand towel, and he just turned on his heel and walked away.

Afterwards Yue Xiang and her friend told me that Yesung seemed somewhat unhappy, distracted and just not into it, which i agree with. I wonder why? The pictures says it all; his smiles seemed practised and forced, and he barely made eye contact with any of the fans. At first i thought that he was but it turned out to be simply mechanical eye contact. He was looking around but not really looking at anything or anyone in particular. While the other members were happily interacting with the fans, he just withdrew and barely interacted with anyone at all.

Though i am indeed a little upset at his lack of enthusiasm, i'm happy that he at least looked at me properly and gave me a genuine smile. I'm still wondering how i managed to push my way to the front. Or rather, i didn't push at all; all i remember was getting out of my seat and walking in front and somehow ending up right in front of him. I was that close; close enough to comfortably shake his hand. But i was shy and hesitant so i merely just smiled at him. I was also feeling extremely self-conscious because it was kind of obvious that i had been stalking him with my camera ever since the beginning of the concert. He seemed to know because his face seemed to carry a hint of surprise that i had been following him for such a long time. I was sitting right in front after all, and the people in front of me didn't stand up and take pictures because they were the crew members and probably some VIPs. Come to think of it, what held me back was his expression. Something told me that he won't be happy if i tried to get too close, and i was right about that because his expression darkened noticeably when the fans started to push their way past the security guard. Contrast that to Donghae; he even personally put his towel around Cherie's neck, how lucky is that? (:

I've just realised that i devoted 4 huge chunks of text for my blow-by-blow account of my SS3 experience, so i shall stop here.

Pictures up soon! (:

2011-01-22T04:03:00.000-08:00

I survived another week in school (:

My mood is a lot lighter now because i have two major things i can look forward to before the dreaded Common Tests; Super Show 3 and Chinese New Year! (: And what's even better, these two events are less than a week apart from each other! Is that awesome or what?

I don't have to say more about Super Show 3, i've been dying to watch Super Junior live and i still can't believe that i've secured my chance; though at the expense of my not-so-deep pockets.

Which is why Chinese New Year is so important. Hopefully i'll be able to recoup my losses with the money i receive. Not only that, the idea of a long weekend sounds so awfully good; putting aside the fact that there's not that much happening on Thursdays and Fridays anyway; apart from conversational Malay classes which i'm starting to dread.

Either way, exciting upcoming events or not, i'm certainly starting to feel the exhaustion from attempting to do homework, revise past content, and revise stuff that's been taught in class at the same time. It's just pure insanity. Maybe i'll just let loose at Super Show 3 next Sunday (:

Will be back next week to blog about the concert! (:

2011-01-15T20:18:00.000-08:00

I apologise yet again for the angsty post on Thursday. I should work on controlling my temper from now on.

It's strange though, how emotionally and mentally exhausted i feel after just one week in school. Not one day passes without at least one teacher giving us a lecture on how-competitive-university-is-so-you-better-work-hard-if-not-you-will-be-wasting-3-whole-years. Very real, and very true, but it doesn't do that much for my self-esteem or my confidence. And i have a feeling i will be needing those two things more than ever this year. It's not so much about how difficult the syllabus is, or how deep my understanding of the content runs. It's more about how much energy i have left in my system to finish this race with a bang. And i mean a positive bang.

09A3. Pretty much the same bunch of mischievous and talkative PU1s Mr Toh encountered 2 years ago, but yet very different. How quiet we all are now. Perhaps it's the sense of loss that we all feel with the number of classmates who have left us. It's undeniable that it's very different without all of them here with us. A continually recurring phrase that we hear very often now from the tutors is 'This isn't the 09A3 i know'. Yes, perhaps. We're still pretty much the same people, but something seems to have changed within us.

I face my upcoming 19th birthday this year with some apprehension. The thought of getting older makes me anxious for my future. Somehow school doesn't seem so much of a pain anymore. At least i'm sheltered from the world outside in school. But it's a whole different ball game out there. One which i'm not very sure i am ready to face.

Which is why this year is such a critical year. Time for me to consolidate my learning, as well as seriously think about what i want out of my life. It's scary to realise at this point in time, that i've spent years pursuing my academic goals, but have pretty much no idea of what i want in life.

But i think it's time to put aside all anxiety and uncertainty. I will make a promise to myself; to keep the end in mind and to stay focused throughout the year. Not only pertaining to myself, but also to the rest of the class. We've come so far together; we must be able to muster up the courage to face this final hurdle together as well.

09A3, let's go for it! (:

2011-01-13T05:46:00.000-08:00

You are the most UNREASONABLE, DEMANDING AND UNBEARABLE person i've had the misfortune to meet in my life.

NO THANKS TO YOU for disrupting my attempt to revise my work in peace. NO THANKS TO YOU because i really needed today, of all days, to go over some of the weaker concepts that i couldn't grasp in PU2.

I've tolerated you for a whole year.

THAT'S IT. THIS IS WHERE MY PATIENCE ENDS.

On a completely unrelated note, thank you Summer for your lovely and thoughtful birthday gift! I love it and i love you too (:

2011-01-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

Last night i had a string of three nightmares in a row, one after another. So i literally woke up from one nightmare straight into another.

I know this sounds a lot like Inception. Haha.

Maybe i should stop letting my thoughts idle late at night. Been thinking too much lately.

2010-12-25T06:15:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! (:

I've always had a love-hate relationship with Christmas. It's nice on its own, but it usually means that school will be reopening very soon.I really dread school. I know i've dealt with this for more than 10 years, but knowing that 2011 will be my final year in MI makes me want to get it over and done with quickly. Just one more year of lengthy tutorials and lectures; not to mention the dreaded CTs and Promotional exams. After that will be a whole new ball game, but i'm not thinking so far ahead as of now.

Christmas was spent in Malacca with my family. Not a bad trip, especially since Malacca seemed to have undergone a major facelift since my last visit, and that was a pleasant surprise. Other than that, i'm pretty sure i put on extra weight again because of the excessive eating. Blame A&W. You can't find that in Singapore!

To give further dimension to my current situation, the first major landmark that i spotted just now on my way back from the Tuas Checkpoint was the MI building. So MI is actually very close to JB? (: And that's how far i've travelled daily for the past 2 years? It's hard to imagine somehow.

Oh, let's not even talk about revising work. I was full of energy at the beginning of the holidays to study but somehow my energy frizzled out by December. Haven't done anything really productive since. Good luck to me in PU3.

I'm off now, i've got a terrible sore throat. Curse Malacca street food. Why does good and tasty food always have to be unhealthy?

2010-12-21T05:43:00.000-08:00

Rou Urn's Golden Rule of Thumb.....

When stuff doesn't work, just give them a kick or a whack.

Disclaimer: Applies only to non-human specimens ^^ If you want to kick someone/got kicked for whatever reason, i will not be held liable.

Sorry. Boredom kills.

2010-12-15T06:25:00.001-08:00

Aww,he's so cute! I sound like some pathetic fangirl now but i don't care.

*squeals and faints in a frenzy*

I'm sorry. This post is so uncalled for and unnecessary (not to mention so unlike me), but i needed an avenue to vent.

Sorry for wasting your time.

2010-12-10T04:35:00.000-08:00

I just happened to chance upon this as i was surfing the internet.

1. At least five people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least fifteen people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

Interesting, isn't it?

I'm not being pessimistic or anything, but it would be great if every single thing on this list is true.

If only.

2010-11-25T05:47:00.000-08:00

Sick, sick, and still sick. This is absolutely annoying.

Woke up late today and attempted to revise some Geography. I wasn't making much progress and no wonder; it's been more than a month since i've last touched any of my H2 subjects.

My itchy nose and throat isn't making things easier for me. I'm starting to get aches everywhere, and that's probably due to the excessive sniffing, sneezing and coughing. Why is it that when i'm sick, everything else in my body seems to malfunction?

In the end i simply gave up and chatted to Yue Xiang while reading fanfictions. Yes, those mindless things that you can only do when your brain isn't occupied by schoolwork, tests and lectures. It feels good to have no need to use my brain for once.

"I'll still be here. When the tides come to erase this message, i'll be here rewriting it. As long as i'm still here."

2010-11-19T20:56:00.000-08:00

So i'm down with another bout of sickness, and this one feels like it's here to stay for some time.

And no wonder. I had OP, then A Level H1 Math, then it was off to India within less than 12 hours. No rest, no respite. Add that to the fact that i didn't eat or sleep well there. Neither was i used to the weather conditions there. Who wouldn't fall sick? Oh, and i still haven't adjusted to the time zone difference.

I just feel freaking awful and cranky now.

I hate it that these holidays bring no respite for me. There's work to complete and schoolwork to polish up on.

Tsk.

Edit

Ok my cranky mood is somewhat gone because.....WE MANAGED TO SECURE TICKETS TO SUPER SHOW 3!!!!!!

OH YES, WE FREAKING GOT THEM!

Many thanks to Cherie, who tried so hard despite the mad rush. After nearly 2 years of dreaming and fantasizing about seeing Super Junior, we finally get the chance! So what if the seats aren't that fantastic, to be there is a blessing in itself! (:

On the not-so-good side, there goes $158. I badly need to secure a holiday job. If Shinee decides to hold a concert in Singapore any time soon then i'm really in big trouble. That is, IF it ever happens.

Sorry if i sound like a crazed fangirl, i needed an avenue to release everything.

SUPER SHOW 3, HERE WE COME!

2010-11-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

I just got back from New Delhi two hours ago.

It feels good to be back home. It's only when you go to another country which is completely different that you learn to appreciate what you have here. The safety, the security, the freedom to wander out on your own without fear.

I can't say that it was a good experience because it really was not. The time difference just made things worse. Worse still was the unfamiliarity all around me. Not only was i in a foreign country, the people around me were foreign too. It was like culture shock multiplied by all the different countries that were present at the conference.

But the very fact that it was a conference and the 6 sole student representatives were not actively needed most of the time gave me some space and time to reflect back on the past year. Everything that has happened and taken place. It was like clearing mental clutter, but sad to say, i gained another load of mental clutter (and grudges) which i don't even want to talk about. That's it. My patience has never been tested to that extent and thank god for Viroshini. Without her, i think i would have just gone delirious with anger.

So that's it for now. I'm going to get my caffeine fix before i zonk out.

2010-10-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

This is actually my fourth attempt at typing out a post. I started off with three others which i ended up deleting. I have no idea why, and i'm not the sort to hesitate too much before writing, whether is it for essays or this blog.

There is usually no conflict between the 'me' that i want to present to others and the 'me' that i know myself to be. I don't believe in lying or hiding the truth, because the truth is always preferable to lies, even if the truth may not be exactly very pleasing to hear.

However, it has lately occured to me that i'm being caught in a very contradictory situation. When i speak my mind, others chastise me for being arrogant and insensitive. When i try to mince my words, people say that i'm being two-faced. My question is this: So what do you want from me?

There is only one of me and so much that i can tolerate. I'm not lying when i say that i try daily to live up to the expectations that other people put on me. My parents never verbalise their expectations, but it's obvious enough when they talk about me to other people. But to live up to their hopes and dreams is my duty as a daughter. So i willingly take on all of their expectations without a single complaint. Besides, i feel happy when i see them proud of me, so i don't think i'm losing out in that aspect.

It gets intolerable when people around you start to view you in a certain way after not even understanding the whole magnitude and context of the situation. I admit that i do get quiet and withdrawn at times, but that's because i simply need some time away from other people, not because i'm being antisocial or arrogant or whatnot.

I simply want my life to turn out the way i want it to. Is that too much to ask for?

2010-10-23T22:58:00.001-07:00

It's a Sunday afternoon and i'm lazing around at home. Spent the entire morning working on Insights and Reflections (I&R) for PW.

I know the silly title says it's Saturday, but yeap, that's just the clock screwing up again that i can't be bothered to fix. Whatever.

So it's about 2 weeks till our OP (08/11/2010). I swear i'm getting my nerves up just worrying for it. It doesn't help that i have to put in extra effort because i have no natural charisma unlike some others in my group. Speaking is not a problem for me; engaging the audience is.

Sometimes i really wonder how i can survive in the corporate world. It's scary when it strikes you that all these years of incessant mugging are all going to waste because you haven't quite acquired anything useful. After all, knowledge is power, but only if put to proper use.

Went for my cousin's wedding yesterday at the Singapore Cricket Club and then went down to Novena to meet Yue Xiang for Math practice again. It was kind of depressing because we were both terribly exhausted. In addition, we both couldn't stomach the idea of K-Pop Night 2010 going on while we were mugging our brains out.

Math again later on. *HUGE SIGH*

LIFE.IS.BITTER.

2010-10-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

Just to give everyone an idea of what we do during PW periods while waiting for our turn to consult Mr Toh on WR. This is the epitome of boredom.

Anyway, Promo 2 results have already been released. Although i didn't do excellently, i'm pretty much satisfied. At least i managed to keep my results at a consistent level from Promo 1, even improving 2 grades for GP (:

I woke up at 8am today to complete the 2009 A Level H1 Math Paper. So i'm taking a rest now. Probably going to continue with the TYS later on.

There's actually a lot more that i want to say but i'm a little lazy to type them all out, so i should just stop here.

Another uninspiring and pointless post. I think this is what my life is going to be until 11 November. Or just make that 16 November, since i'll be out of the country less than 24 hours after the end of my H1 Math Paper. And mind you, it's not to play; it's to attend a conference.

Walao.

2010-10-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

Oh no, Promo 2 results are going to be released next Thursday!

Mediocre/unsatisfactory grades expected.

Omigosh.

Breathe, Rou Urn, BREATHE.

Oh yes, i kind of accidentally squirted green tea at my face during morning break today while happily squeezing the perceived-empty packet with the straw pointing in my face.

It was a complete accident and was pretty funny. I wish it was captured on video.

Though it didn't seem that funny when i realised that Cheryl wasn't the only witness.

I think i really do have a hidden talent for slapstick and body gags.

2010-10-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

You know that you''re getting old when Children's Day passes by in a flash and somehow you're still left somewhat clueless over how exactly it went by.

It doesn't help either that i'm one of the oldest out of all those born in 1992.

Time doesn't wait for anyone.

It's already the beginning of October, which means less than 2 weeks till the release of the Promo 2 results. Don't even remind me; i'm not exactly looking forward to it. I'm all prepared. For the worst, that is.

The beginning of October also means less than a month to submission of WR. Here we go, PW lovelies! (: Also, there's still about 1 month till OP. I am SO looking forward to it. Ho-ho, not to mention about 1 and a half months to A Level H1 Mathematics! Exciting.

Don't ask me why i look so exhausted unless you want to listen to me grousing and grumbling away about school for 30 minutes straight. Not a very productive way to spend time.

Sigh. Alright. It's less than 2 months till complete freedom! I will get there.

Somehow. I don't know how, but somehow.

On a completely random note, i swear to myself that i will get my driving license before leaving university, and purchase a car the moment i'm financially independent. I don't like sitting in anyone else's car except my father's, and it irks me when i have to wait for someone else to pick me up. I'll rather take public transport. Heck, i'll rather WALK the entire distance home.

Yes, that's how strong my pride is.

Going back home from Harbourfront isn't such a big deal when i commute daily from home to Bukit Batok and back.

Nothing fazes me you know, so please stop acting as if you're a know-it-all career woman who has stopped the world in their tracks with her earth-shattering "achievements". I am NOT impressed.

Just in what way are you and i related?

2010-09-24T06:35:00.000-07:00

JUST WHAT IS UP WITH PEOPLE NOWADAYS?

I was waiting for my bus down to town today, where i arranged to meet Yue Xiang. I was just minding my own business while silently cursing the swelteringly hot weather, when i felt that there was someone standing very close to me. Instinctively, i looked around for the source of the intrusion and then a guy in his late twenties steps in front of me.

Guy: *stammering* Um....hi, i was just...um...wondering...um, if i could know your name? Don't worry, i....really don't.....
Me: *speechless, glaring suspiciously at the guy from the corner of my eye*
Guy: Um, no, i don't mean anything, i just....
Me: NO. *moves away*
Guy: *steps closer* No,no, i just-
Me: I don't WANT to tell you my name and i don't see WHY i should.
Guy: Oh...right...sorry, i........

Luckily, my bus came along, and i walked away even before he finished his sentence.

.......................

...........

.....

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS YOUR PROBLEM??? ASIDE FROM INVADING MY PRIVATE SPACE, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY POKING YOUR NOSE IN WHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG. AND WHY IN THE WORLD CAN'T YOU READ MY ABSOULTELY DISSATISFIED EXPRESSION AND JUST SCOOT?

I don't really care what his intention was, but it was bad enough for him to be standing so close when i didn't even know who the heck he was.

Good thing nothing worse happened; the bus stop was packed full of people anyway.

I don't care if anyone thinks i'm exaggerating, but it would have been dumb of me to just keep quiet. I didn't want to be rude but his persistent questioning really was the last straw.

Mdm Cho, if you happen to be reading this, then you'll know that our Women in Literature essays are actually quite substantiated to a certain extent.

Disclaimer: I do not mean to generalise all men; majority of the males that i've met are quite okay, save for a few like these who constantly remind me that girls have to be on their guard.

Despicable.

2010-09-23T06:52:00.001-07:00

Promo 2 is over, but the 'highlight' of PU2 is just around the corner.

Exams were generally okay, except for it being definitely harder than Promo 1. Yet again, what's new?

Today was an exceptionally rainy and stormy day, but i spent a huge part of it doing the powerpoint slides for AEC Conference in November. Also drew up a PW timetable for my group, as well as a personal H1 revision timetable for myself.

Oh, and i just remembered that going to India on the 12-16 of November will mean that i will completely be disconnected with any news of Super Show 3 tickets. How now? ):

Sorry if i sound incoherent with thoughts just popping out of nowhere and fading without warning; this past 2 weeks have really taken a toll on me.

The sky is starting to clear a little but there's still a very big, dark grey cloud that is hovering above me and refusing to go away.

I can't wait to relinquish my president badge....

I can't wait for PW to be over....

I want to escape into a world where houses are made out of candy logs....like these

Somebody please tell me what was the point of this post again?

On a completely random note, i chanced upon this while browsing through 'There, I Fixed It', and somehow this picture forcibly reminds me of an MI student. Anyone is free to challenge me if they find this statement debatable.

This is what i call 'lazy but smart'. Why move the whole freaking table and the rest of the chairs when you can just shorten the legs of one chair and plant it on the steps?

Not exactly rocket science but pretty darn smart.

2010-09-17T06:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like i'm walking down a long dark path that just doesn't seem to end.

I keep telling myself it'll all be over soon.

But why is life being SUCH a drag lately?

Tsk.

Annoying.

2010-09-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

There is a very fine line that exists between a joke and being plain insensitive.

You've crossed it.

I'm so sick of being picked on.

I'm perfectly fine with the occasional self-depreciating joke.

But not when it gets excessive. I have feelings too.

2010-09-01T04:50:00.000-07:00

I have both good news and bad news.

GOOD NEWS: I'm finally getting the hang of Foreign Exchange (: Oh, and i just finished my Geography essay homework on stream discharge and velocity today,which means i'm pretty much free to study non-stop over the September holidays (: That is, in addition to our holiday support schedule.

BAD NEWS: I'm sick again.

Before you go 'What's new?', let me reiterate that GP Promo 2 is just less than 2 days away. This is NOT the time that i should be falling sick. Not surprisingly at all, GP is the subject which i fear the most right now. Perfect H2 scores and even perfect H1 scores will mean absolutely NOTHING if i can't even get past a C for GP.

I just cannot wait for this year to end.

On the agenda,
1. Promo 2
2. Intensive PW (WR, OP, I&R)
3. H1 Math A Levels (11/11/10)

I need to get past all these awful obstacles before i can even get close to Super Show 3 (29/01/2011)

And that is provided i manage to snag tickets.

Ugh, life is really driving me insane.

2010-08-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

Been battling illness and the rapidly increasing workload as of last week. I'm glad the worst of it is over.

Met up with Cheryl today to study at Starbucks at United Square. I like it there! The atmosphere is good, plus it's quiet enough without being stifling. Perfect (: We're going back there to study again together next Saturday. Cheryl, i want to go back there because i truly like the ambience there; i know what you're thinking. Haha. I like studying with Cheryl! (: I'm currently in a euphoric mood because the study session just now really was very productive, for the both of us.

As promised, i've been slogging it out for the Final Year exams since the end of National Day. My illness last week did momentarily impend my progress (damn!), but i'm fine now, and rapidly gaining momentum again.

Studied in school for a while yesterday before going back home and setting everything right. Spinning out of control for the past few months have turned me into a wreck and a walking disaster, and my room into a pigsty. I feel the happiest i've ever been for a long time; even the large grey cloud of Final Year exams looming ahead of me doesn't bring me much distress. In fact, the earlier it ends, the better (:

Hang in there, everyone! All of this will be gone and over in a flash (:

2010-08-10T05:48:00.000-07:00

*squeals*

Okay, sorry, this was supposed to be a reflective post, but i just couldn't resist putting this up!The guy in black is Super Junior's Yesung, for those who don't know (:

Anyway, that aside, i've felt a lot better ever since National Day came to a close. Finally, more time to myself.

Came across the song, 蜗牛(Snail) while my mother was singing karaoke at home. I know it's in Chinese and i haven't touched Chinese for more than 6 months, but my standard of Chinese is still good enough for me to comprehend this song. Which turned out to be really meaningful, surprisingly.

我要一步一步往上爬
等待阳光静静看着它的脸
小小的天有大大的梦想
重重的壳挂着轻轻的仰望
我要一步一步往上爬
在最高点乘着叶片往前飞
让风吹干流过的泪和汗
总有一天我有属于我的天

For the benefit of those who don't understand Chinese,this song basically talks about a snail which thinks of giving up while climbing its way up a wall. This little snail is worried about what others think of him, since it's goal is very much achieveable to them. But at the end of the day, the snail knows that if it manages to climb up the wall, it will have accompolished something for itself, and that's all that matters to him.

I feel strange talking about a snail as if it's a human being, but it's not easy to translate Chinese lyrics and summarise them in English, so please forgive me for any instances of incoherence there. I'm not effectively bilingual after all.

At many times, we ourselves can be just like that little snail. Giving up because we feel that our accompolishments can never be enough for others. But does that really matter? An achievement, no matter how small, is still an achievement. Is it better to achieve at least a little bit, rather than none at all? And do others' opinions really matter so much, so long as what we're doing is something we love and are willing to fight for?

Just some food for thought to chew on till the end of this week.

2010-08-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

I REALLY CANNOT WAIT FOR NATIONAL DAY TO BE OVER. PERIOD.

I'm sorry, i just couldn't resist saying that.

To be painfully honest, National Day Celebrations 2010 in school is all that is stopping me from going all out and putting every single particle of my brain into studying for Promo 2 and H1 A Level Math, and not to mention do all that is required for PW.

My desire to juggle all these at once was probably the cause of my sudden onset of illness last night.

So much for prioritising.

It's amazing that i'm still surviving until now. Or i'll probably just drop dead right after National Day.

By the way, stop it with all the 'Rou Urn, i'm looking forward to National Day Celebrations' talk. I'm stressed. One more time i hear that comment (whether accidental or not), i really will BITE.

2010-07-30T06:17:00.000-07:00

09A3 2010 (:

This photo was taken just a few days ago with Cheryl's polaroid. Maybe i never quite expected just how much feeling would be generated with one such miniscule photo; and to any other person, it may just look like just another class photo.

But when i saw this, i was actually stunned for a moment.

If i were to compare this to last year's class photo, the difference is really inherent. Aside from the obvious missing people (whom i miss very much), even at this distance, we all looked like we've matured so much. It's heartening to see and yet heartbreaking at the same time. Heartening because i know that many of us have changed for the better. Heartbreaking because we all know better than anyone the painful experiences that shaped this new maturity; and knowing that much more lies ahead for all of us.

And that made me recall my initial thoughts upon setting foot in MI. How i felt like i couldn't fit in; how i felt that i made the wrong choice. But you can take me out of this class right now and i'll say that i wish to be nowhere else. Despite the many times when i've felt frustrated, even disappointed, with the class over certain mindset differences, i've realised that 09A3 itself has shaped my life so much that it's a bit disorienting.

Even Mr Toh, who has been with us since we were, as quoted from Mdm Cho, 'still young and innocent', has become more than just a teacher to me. I've never yet met a teacher who can read my character as well as he can; he was the one who saw the good in me and gave me the confidence and courage to move on despite everything i was facing. To me, he's a mentor, friend, counsellor, and advisor. It was slightly shocking for me to hear him telling me in front of my parents that i shouldn't be focusing on my studies and other commitments to the point that i neglect my family and all those around me. It's as if he had gone right to the heart of the matter without even me telling him.

And then there's Cheryl. Someone i felt i couldn't quite connect with last year, but this year so far has proven my beliefs wrong. I must admit that i've never yet met anyone like her before. When i talk to her i feel at times as if i'm talking to a mirror and looking at my own character speaking to me. Yet at the same time, we both have our own sense of individuality that's hard to point out but undeniably exists. How we're close but give each other the space that we both need. It's as if there's an unspoken understanding between us two.

2010 has not even passed; but i know the remainder of the year will be one hell of a ball game. But one thing is for sure; i'm thankful for it all. Everything.

2010-07-26T06:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, i'm posting on a Monday night.

I think i'm starting to multitask a lot more effectively now. This is what pressure drives you to do; increase your efficiency because you know that there is no other way you can help yourself except maximise what limited time you have.

My Promo 1 raw scores are already out, but i won't know my official grades until Parents' Day this Friday.

H2 Literature - B
H2 Geography - B
H2 Economics - B
H1 Math - A
H1 GP - E

Yes, GP is my nemesis again. I really don't know what to do about GP. An E grade , even with the rest of my results, isn't going to get me anywhere. What to do?

I know that my previous few blog posts has been highly depressing and pessimistic. People are probably giving me a 'what-did-i-tell-you' look right now. Well, my failure in secondary school isn't a shadow that i've left behind so easily. Somewhere, somehow, although i tell myself that i've put in effort, the shadows of the past are always looming....and i fear that it will swallow me up one day. Indeed; once bitten, twice shy. It took me 10 years and a few failed attempts at life to pick myself up again. It was a bitter experience, but it was all worth it. This goes for those who didn't do as well as they wished....failure is inevitable. It's how you choose to turn that failure into your strength that makes all the difference in the world.

Philosophy aside; night study has officially started today. I'm going to make use of this opportunity to start revision. I think i've learnt my lesson from Promo 1, period.

Just to end off with one of those memorable moments in class....

Ms Chin: Okay guys, this is something you should know by now....what is the central problem of Economics?
Class: Scarcity...
Ms Chin: Yes! So with scarcity, something else comes to mind....
Me: Opportun....*before i even finished what i intended to say*
Cheryl: Snatch....
Me: *snorting and gasping with laughter*

Obviously, she was just joking around as usual. Haha. Cheryl, you should write a book called 'Economics A-Z (Singapore Edition)' (:

Who knows, you may actually become famous!

2010-07-21T06:12:00.001-07:00

It's quite unlike me to be posting on a Wednesday night, but i've just completed all that i need to do for the day and my head is swimming with thoughts. The only way for me to have a good night's rest later on is to release those thoughts.

Just a few hours ago, i was stressed to the point of having a nervous collapse. It was only with Ayesha and Si Ying's comforting words that i managed to hold back all the dissatisfaction and neglect that i longed to express. I've been warned before that Term 3 and 4 of Year 2 will be the most trying period of time that we will experience in MI. Despite still keeping up with lessons, i find that the emotional baggage is starting to weigh me down. It's not uncommon to see me walking around school lately with my eyes staring ahead blankly. I'm physically there, but my heart and soul are somewhere else.

Perhaps this could be a good thing. All of the previous insecurities and trivial thoughts that i've harboured are now put to rest, because i know that this period of time is for me to concentrate and not to lose track of my goal.

My near-breakdown just now forced me to reflect. Others can manipulate my thoughts and feelings just to destabilise me and push my buttons, but ultimately, it is still my choice whether or not i want to let others' devious plans ruin my mood and my confidence. The past 6 months or so have opened my eyes to a very different world. It is a world when you realise that even figures of authority, once respected, can turn back on their word with just a snap of the fingers. It made me realise that no matter how ideal i want my world to be, ideality is just not realistic and it never will be.

I had been naive in the past to think that as long as i stay pure in thought and at heart, others will see it and respond to me in a positive way. But the ugly truth is such; some people refuse to admit their wrongdoings and find it much more convenient to blame others for their own shortcomings. Faced with such an unthinkable situation, i have been forced to make decisions that were cruel and probably shortchanged a great number of people. While i am apologetic, some things are simply inevitable.

I'm probably making myself sound like an emotionless monster, but i am convinced that i haven't lost my fundamental moral groundings. At the very least, i have the discretion to know when someone is pushing his/her luck, and i know exactly what to give them in order to let them learn their lesson.

I'll probably become a very different person by the end of this year. A very very different person.

2010-07-16T06:27:00.001-07:00

Negativity.

It's something that just keeps resounding my head these few days. I've left school for the weekend, loaded not with my exam results, but with the awful reviews of our results from the teachers. What is worse? Knowing your results as quickly as possible, or putting it off for as long as possible? So far i've gotten back nothing but H1 Math. That's probably the only paper i've aced this time round. But then again, so what? H1 subjects are H1 subjects.

My anxiety and fear has driven me to the point where you will see me taking out my Promo 1 exam papers and calculating the 'worst-case scenario' marks. The verdict?

If i fail my Economics Case Study (highly possible) but manage to score for my essay section, i'll still be able to scrape a C grade; if i'm lucky and do very well for essay, then B grade.

If i fail my Physical Geography paper (around 45 marks) but am able to perform well for the Human Geography paper; similarly, a C grade should not be unattainable. Only if i get 75 marks and above for Human Geography will i be able to get B. Forget the A for now.

Assuming that i get mediocre scores for all of my Literature essays (based on the answer scheme), a C grade may still be possible. If i manage to score 17 or higher for any 2 essays out of the six essays, a B grade is possible. Here i'll be banking on Taming of the Shrew and The Birthday Party. What a surprise.

My aim to ensure minimum shock/disappointment? Average C/D for all my 3 H2 subjects. I'm worried about GP because i did one of the so-called 'fatal questions' for Paper 1. Strangely enough, my points are practically similar to the points given in the mark scheme. Still, i don't want to ascend with dreams and descend with shattered dreams, so i'm aiming to at least pass GP. What's the probability of me doing well for Paper 2 anyway? -.-

I'm sincerely sorry if i'm pissing anyone off with my ranting. You have the option not to read if you feel that i'm making a mountain out of a molehill. But my insecurities are completely justified.

At the same time, i'm angry at myself for ridiculously panicking during some of the exams (Literature P1, Physical Geography and Economics P1), no doubt resulting in me making some of the dumbest mistakes known to mankind. It's just such a crying shame.

Things that i have to start working on:
1) Hone my Economics Case Study skills (Come to think of it, i've never properly passed any Case Study)
2) Do more DRQs (and to a lesser extent, essay questions) on Physical Geography
3) Brush up on my analysis skills for Literature

And most importantly......DON'T FREAK OUT DURING EXAMINATIONS!

2010-07-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

Promo 2 has officially ended for me as of today. But i'm not particularly anticipating the release of the results. I know that the possibility of me doing as well as last year's Promos or this year's Common Test will be low.

My total lack of confidence is aided by the fact that all of the papers for this Promo were set in such a way that one paper will be more difficult than the other. In other words, I have to hope/pray/beg that my stronger paper will offset the poorer performance of the other. I'm prepared to face less-than-satisfactory results this time round. But it's perhaps apt to mention that i really did study hard; it was just poor time management or extreme nervousness on my part which caused me to lose my marbles during the exam. The result? I wrote stupid and nonsensical answers.

I don't care what others say about me still being able to do well. It doesn't matter. As long as i know that i'm not performing up to a standard that i expect from myself, i will never be satisfied.

But it's all over now, and whatever i say will not make a difference. Guess i should set this aside, take a few days' rest and concentrate on Promo 2 after that. After all, it constitutes a higher weightage than Promo 1.

I've promised to let myself rest for the next 2 days, as well as over the weekend.

I should really start buzzing for Promo 2 very soon. Call me kiasu, but i don't care. If that's what it will take for me to redeem myself, that's how far i will go along to get what i want.

2010-06-30T02:15:00.000-07:00

Finally, some peace, quiet and repose. Whew.

I desperately need to rant about Promo 1 so far. Please pardon me.

Literature P1(Reading Literature) on Monday. What more do i have to say? Unseen poem? Hard to analyse. Wasted a precious 10 minutes deciding which question to choose. Which was pointless eventually anyway, since both questions were around the same difficulty. Wuthering Heights? I thought doing the critical commentary question will be easier, but it didn't turn out that way. Surprisingly, the question on The Birthday Party was the easiest to tackle (And this was the component i was getting all worked up about). To sum it all up : BYE B GRADE, HI E GRADE -.-

Economics P2(Essay Qns) yesterday. This wasn't so bad at least. Time management wise was good, and i felt that i could answer all the questions sufficiently. With some luck, and assuming that they don't decide to torture us for case study, i should be able to get at least a C or a D grade, or hopefully, maintain my B grade.

Geography P1 (Physical Geography) today. This is the most heartbreaking to talk about. The essay questions were fairly manageable (If only i had more time to spruce up my answers -.-). DRQs 1,2 and 3 were still quite okay, except that i forgot the definition for carbonation and solution for Qn 3, and couldn't draw my mid-oceanic spreading ridge properly for Qn 1.

................

QN 4 WAS THE ULTIMATE. EVERYTHING WAS FINE AND DANDY UNTIL THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE PAPER, WHEN I REALISED THAT I DIDN'T MAKE USE OF THE INSERT TO ANSWER PART (B). DAMMIT. THAT'S 3 OUT OF 5 MARKS GONE FOR NOTHING JUST LIKE THAT. WORST CASE SCENARIO, 0 MARKS FOR THAT PART. OUT OF 5 MARKS.

EXCELLENT JOB ROU URN. SUCH A CLEVER THING YOU DID.

Thank goodness the remaining 2 parts just asked us to explain and account for the differences in interception rates in temperate deciduous forests and subtropical forests, which wasn't really related to part (b). And luckily, my Secondary 4 Pure Geography came into use (for once) when determining the precipitation and evaporation rates of temperate and tropical areas. Yes, i did it WITHOUT THE INSERT. If only the question asked us to cite data from the evidence, then i would have remembered to refer back to the insert.

Sigh. I just penalised myself for nothing. Oh, did i mention? BYE A GRADE. I knew you were too good to be true. I'll be lucky to pass this time round.

After the paper, i was lamenting my silly mistake to anyone who was willing to listen.

That sums up my sucky experience so far.

I can just picture Mdm Shamala and Mr Toh's evil expressions when filling up my paper with red crosses.

I should seriously throw myself off a cliff now. Oh, don't even mention cliffs to me now. I'll claw your skin off. Cliffs=Geography.

Papers left : H1 Math, Geography P2 (Human Geography), Economics P1 (Case Study), and Literature P5 (Women in Literature)

I think the only thing today that gave me some enjoyment was giving someone the cold shoulder. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. He looked like he had just been slapped.

Or maybe i shouldn't be so proud of myself. My careless mistake was perhaps a form of retribution -.- Seriously, we can't even express ourselves freely nowadays.

Life sucks man.

2010-06-24T04:52:00.000-07:00

I can still vividly recall how i used to rail and make a huge fuss at the prospect of returning to school after a lengthy holiday when i was in primary school.

Now, the end of the June holidays will not only mean the start of school, but also the beginning of the Promo 1 exams.

Time indeed flies; it seemed like only yesterday when i sat for my first ever examination in MI last year. Now a whole year has passed.

These holidays, i really did try my best to internalise every single thing in the curriculum. In addition, i did Literature essay outlines and essays, Economics case studies and essay questions, as well as DRQs and essay questions for Geography. Math was pretty much hardcore practising with the aid of the revision workbook. This last week was just used for a review of everything, which i found out to be a good idea because there were still gaps in my content knowledge.

I hope i'm ready to face this obstacle.

2010-06-20T07:36:00.000-07:00

Let's not even get started on personal principles, oh-so-wise-one, when it's pretty obvious that you don't have any to begin with.

I'm sorry, i needed to get that off my chest very badly. I just don't understand how some people can be so blatantly hypocritical and yet openly proclaim that they have personal principles. Or rather, the lack thereof. The only thing i can say is 'Who in the world are you trying to fool?' What a big fat joke.

Moving on to the more valuable things in life....

The holidays will be over just like that *snaps fingers* very soon. Which means that the dreaded Promo 1 is approaching. For me, it's really the sort of thing that doesn't bother me if i don't think about it, but once i start thinking about it....let's just put it this way...i'll suffer from insomnia tonight again.

I certainly hope that my efforts to start on revision early will pay off. I keep trying to think about how hard i studied last year compared to this year. Technically, i should be studying harder this year. But the problem is, i can't even remember how it was like last year. It's like i've been possessed and there's a huge blank in my memory at that specific point in time.

Lack of rest, for sure. Which means that i had better go get exactly that right now.

I hope i have a dream of unleashing a torrent of non-vulgar verbal abuse at The Hated One. That'll certainly make me feel better, even if it's just a dream (:

2010-06-17T06:19:00.000-07:00

I'm think i'm just getting tired of life and it's many obstacles. Makes me wish that i can just run away and hide forever.

I know. This doesn't sound like me at all. I've always prided myself in being able to face problems head on, and even find workable solutions to them. This particular trait is, for some inexplicable reason, very firmly ingrained in my attitude towards my studies. But for some unknown reason, it does not manifest itself when i'm handling relationships. Running away and hiding seems to be a more attractive option for me.

While in secondary school, i once received a very good piece of advice from a very special teacher.

'The Earth is round. No matter how you try to run away from your problems, you'll always find them catching up with you in the end. And the longer you leave problems untouched, the higher the possibility of them getting even more complicated and eventually, harder to solve.'

These were the exact words that she said but i can still remember it word for word even after more than a year. Maybe that was what prompted me back then to pick myself out of a vicious cycle of self-pity, low self-esteem and low confidence.

Now that i've managed to pick myself up and move on, i realise that i still do hang on to the past way too tightly and stifle my progress in the present. Both Soleha and Cheryl read my previous blog post, and i must say that they are part of only a handful of people who can truly empathise with me.

I don't overload myself with activities just to numb my emotions. Neither do i shun company sometimes because i'm deliberately antisocial. I just want my life to be for myself. To do what i want, and to not allow others to force me into sticky situations. I absolutely despise being put into a position which i did not choose and suffer for other peoples' misdoings.

Thanks to Fikri for listening to me bemoan my messed-up self last night (: It's good to have people like him bring me back to reality, rather than live in my own idealistic world and hurt myself unnecessarily in the process.

I have to find it in myself to face up to my own emotions and the people associated with it. Only then will i be able to pull myself out of this emotional whirlwind.

2010-06-14T06:09:00.000-07:00

I had an amazingly startling revelation today.

We're being tested on The Birthday Party for Promo 1, but we haven't even done a single essay on it yet!

Okay, so it was not so much of a revelation, but rather, more of a rude shock.

So, me being me, i frantically flipped through the Literature skills package for Paper 1, and found a whole bank of questions on The Birthday Party.

Wow-wee. Fun.

Anyway, if you've been seeing less of the emo posts lately, it's because it's the holidays. I'm conveniently sheltering myself from all the troubles of school and immersing myself in Super Junior; almost losing my head in the process.

But even Super Junior does not distract me from some of the inherent thoughts drifting around in my head that keeps me awake at night.

I still feel that there is a void inside me that i am desperately trying to fill.

So, why is it that when opportunities present itself for that void to be filled, i shrink away from it as if it's the plague?

Maybe it's because i know deep down that i can never have the capacity to love another person properly (Except for my parents). My mind is always preoccupied with 1001 'other things' that are supposedly more important. Because i know that i cannot make sacrifices for another person. And also because i'm afraid of what the future holds.

It really sucks being me. Even my mother agrees.

2010-06-10T03:15:00.001-07:00

Today i managed to finish up a 25 mark Economics Essay question, as well as revise Taming of the Shrew and do an essay outline regarding Katherina's soliloquy. Thinking that i probably haven't reached snooze mode yet, i decided to press on ahead with an Economics Case Study.

Wrong move.

I was about to complete it when i realised that all my answers were chockful of mistakes. I didn't differentiate between current account balance (in US$ billion) and current account balance (as % of GDP). I knew that the statistic they gave was real GDP growth (in %), but for some unknown reason, my entire 8 mark question answer was full of 'real GDP' and not 'real GDP growth'. Which undoubtedly made my ENTIRE answer irrelevant.

Lessons learnt?

1. LOOK at ALL data carefully before attempting the questions
2. Don't be so anxious to start answering. ANALYSE FIRST
3. Always look back at the question to ensure that you're giving them what they want

Despite feeling really humiliated at my own stupidity, i guess this was a valuable lesson learnt, and a reminder for me to rid myself of the bad habit of jumping straight into a question without analysing it first. Hmm...i wonder what could have happened if i didn't decide to give this particular case study a second look and just stash it away?

Unthinkable.

Integration is giving me a headache. I'm going to bug Mr Sim to teach me tomorrow (: Hope to start on Probability by this Saturday. Yuck. I hate Statistics.

Yes, another 3 hours of leadership challenge tomorrow, and more NEC stuff after that.

2010-06-08T05:00:00.001-07:00

It's only the second week of the June holidays so far, but i suddenly felt a rush of anxiety just now when i realised that i've been neglecting Math. So far i'm only done with Equations and Inequalities; need to finish up Differentiation and Integration by the end of this week, and leave exactly 2 weeks to revise Statistics.

I think i've been allocating too much time for my H2 subjects.

Moving on, this is an excerpt of a conversation i had with NEC's Mr Nice Guy/Vice-President Wei Liang last night (:

ヅ wl じòぴé says:
how long is our national anthem?
Rou Urn says:
............
interesting question
ヅ wl じòぴé says:
haha
lols!
Rou Urn says:
after 18 years as a singaporean i just realised that i don't know...
haha!

In order to help him, i did an extremely stupid thing. I went on YouTube to see how long our national anthem is.

Sigh. The things you do just to get answers.

3 hours of Leadership Challenge tomorrow. I cringe when i think of what i can accompolish in just those 3 hours. After that, presentation of the National Day proposal to Mr Tan.

Sigh.

2010-06-03T07:58:00.000-07:00

I've realised lately that i'm starting to develop an aversion to blogging about random events that happen in my life. I used to be able to write long Auntie Agony stories in secondary school, regarding every single thing that i did in the course of that day.

But now, i just blog if i truly have something that i need to say. Maybe it's just the gradual development of my maturity ever since i left secondary school. Indeed, just looking into my archives; into my old posts, is a pretty interesting experience.

Today was another day spent in school. What i really loved about today was that it was a culmination of so many things. Everything that i did today was also quite meaningful and left me feeling accompolished, with the exception of Math lesson, which was not only counterproductive, but lowered my self-esteem down to the dumps.

Of course, the fun really started when Summer and I met Shawn, Izzuddin and Jed (by chance) after they were done with their GIS meeting. I knew that dinner was going to be a fun affair and a host of bitching with my two brothers around.

Took the train home with Jed after dinner because i wanted to avoid the terrible jams on the road during the rush hour. Yes, i've recently developed such a habit. Maybe it's the fact that long journeys tend to seem shorter with somebody to talk to. Or maybe it's because it's the holidays, so i don't really mind taking a bit longer to get home (:

i've just sent out my final (hopefully) version of the National Day proposal to Mr Sim and Wei Liang. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for approval this time round (:

Hmmm. Now i really have got nothing to write. Will be back next time once i get a source of inspiration (:

2010-05-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

I'm so overcome with disbelief that i'm actually have trouble typing out this post. For the first time in my life, i'm actually lost for words. Completely. You APPALL me.

To think that i was actually nice enough to give you a second chance to redeem yourself in my eyes. I've always believed that no single person can be innately bad; it doesn't seem fair to judge a person based on a moment of folly. I've constantly tolerated your demeaning treatment of me for a good six months, all the while innocently believing that you will reform if given the chance to.

BUT THIS IS THE LAST STRAW.

I continued being friendly to you despite the whole lot of negativity surrounding you. Why? Because i felt for you. I pitied you. I believed that you could do better. I tried to protect your image with my personal dignity at stake. People around me were advising me against investing too much thought into your feelings. But i still did it.

I WAS BLIND. BLINDED BY GOD KNOWS WHAT.

These words were always buried somewhere in my head, but i never saw the need to use them until now. Perhaps i should have just said it sooner. Could have saved myself so much trouble which i didn't deserve.

YOU DISGUST ME. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY, UNBELIEVABLY INCORRIGIBLE.

I can't stomach the fact that i still have to tolerate your prescence.

But i still can act like you don't exist.

I'm praying and hoping that my conscience won't get into the way again.

I should really hate myself for being too soft-hearted.

'Of all things living, men are the worst'. Well, definitely not ALL. But SOME, for sure. And you're probably the worst of the sort whom i've had the misfortune to cross paths with.

2010-05-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

Quite proud of myself today.

This is what i completed, despite waking up only at 12 noon ,just in time for lunch (:

1) Literature Promo 2 2009 Paper - Essay plans for all 4 questions
2) Studied BOP for Economics
3) Finished reading The Birthday Party; read and internalised Mdm Shamala's notes for the drama
4) Revision on Taming of the Shrew
5) Revision on Tess of the D'Urbervilles (I haven't touched that for god knows how long)

So this is my aim for tomorrow.

1) Math Revision Package practice on Exponential and Logarithmic Functions
2) Revise all PU1 Geography topics
3) Revise Hypothesis Testing for Math

Was looking through my post yesterday and realised that i was indeed in a state of extreme frustration last night.

I was just thinking about some people in my life, especially the girls whom i know, who consistently shy away from expressing their opinions for fear of rejection or criticism. I don't get what's with all the stigma of girls speaking up. It's amazing how simple some people are, chasing after only the tangible, material pleasures in life rather than seek to enrich themselves in thought and deed.

Just a random thought that crossed my mind.

Taming of the Shrew last night was enjoyable enough, save for some people who just couldn't keep quiet during the play. It's basic courtesy! Some of the other members of the audience (i.e. Members of the public) were shooting warning glances at them and they still continued.

There was a Q&A session after the play with members of the cast, and Cheryl and I were torn between that and filling our stomachs; i didn't eat anything since morning break in school (I'm not kidding). In the end, our hunger compelled us to leave and go have a bite before going home. Was walking past Park Hotel when Jamie called me and said she wanted to join us. Went down to Central at Clarke Quay.

We were walking past the pubs in Clarke Quay and joking around about how all 3 of us were already of legal age to go drinking, but we were just happily making our way down to Burger King instead. Funny how ironic these things can get. And we all wholeheartedly agreed with Jamie 'It's a matter of personal choice'. I just love these 2 girls! (:

Ate and was getting ready to leave when Shawn, Izzuddin, Hafiz, Aidil, Dian, Thivya and the lot arrived. They stayed for the Q&A session. Left after exchanging a few words with them, and took a bus home.

I think my dinner's here. Tata!

2010-05-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

It's quite sad to feel like you're shouldering the full extent of a blame that was not entirely your mistake. While i don't absolve myself of all responsibility, is it fair to question us as if we were the only people involved? And the rest are conveniently acting as if they have got nothing to do with it.

I'm terribly disappointed.

I think that i've been pretty nice, covering up other people's mistakes and nonsense for them if i feel that it's worthwhile. But no, from now on i will not be doing it anymore, since what i got was poor repayment for everything else that i did. Please don't put on an innocent facade, because i'm not blind and i can tell what else goes on.

Just to clarify, being NEC president does not make me any less of a human being. Neither does it make me someone equivalent to a Higher Being. I make mistakes just like everybody else. While i may look like i don't have emotions more than 60% of the time, i am still human. Before all of you start conferring idealistic but unrealistic expectations on me, please remember that like OTHER HUMAN BEINGS, i also have a breaking point.

What's the point of being called a President if i don't even have the moral courage to stand up for what i think is right? Am i just a figurehead, or a 'vase', as Cheryl puts it? Am i really expected to conform just to make others happy, rather than seek for new ways to improve situations?

I can blatantly admit that i could have handled the situation a lot more appropriately, and that it was a little rash on my part. For that, i apologise and am willing to reflect and change that aspect of myself; perhaps i'm just too task-oriented for my own good. But i didn't harbour malicious intentions and i never will.

It's time people stopped looking so much at their own personal well-being and spared a thought for my feelings.

Guess what folks, i've got feelings too.

2010-05-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

Here i am on a Saturday night, feeling unenthusiastic and unmotivated. What a sad life.

I think i owe everybody an apology, especially those who have been around me the past few days. It must be difficult having to look at my -.- face, and hearing my hacking coughs every few minutes or so. I'm just suffering from a minor case of burnout, after having rushed around like a madwoman for the past 2 months or so. I'll be back. I promise.

I feel especially guilty for not going for the AKE concert; i really wanted to watch Izzuddin play and support him. My dear brother, i hope you had a good time, and i'm so sorry both Cheryl and I can't be there ): I'll make it up to you real soon alright? (: We're all going for Taming of the Shrew together on Thursday anyway; i can't wait (:

I just hope this 'I'm unmotivated, tired and just too sian to do anything' phase will pass soon; it's not healthy for me to be perpetually shutting myself up like that all the time, just sitting in my room listening to music and staring at piles and piles of lecture notes and worksheets. Bound to drive me insane very soon.

I'm having a freaking toothache now. Damn.

2010-05-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

I broke my own record, for taking a day off school for the first time ever since i came to MI. I'm not kidding; this is how sick i am.

My fever hit a peak of 38.2 degrees celsius last night after i got back from school, and in my half-delirious state of mind, i could distinctly hear my mother muttering something in Mandarin which sounded a lot like 'She's like that because she's President. Tell her to give up her position to someone else....'.

And it got me thinking....

How people find it so immensely easy to blame NEC for every single screw up in their lives; just because it is supposedly 'the most time-consuming'. But guess what folks, i fell sick because of the crazy PW meetings for the whole of last week. Add to that the whole load of projects that we were expected to finish for the various subjects. Have i even mentioned that all the deadlines were either on exactly the same day, or just a day or two apart from each other?

To some people (You know who you are), blaming NEC for your inability to balance all the aspects of your life properly isn't a very professional thing to do. Overload yourselves with commitments and this is the price that you have to pay.

As for falling sick, my dear mother, EVERYBODY falls sick at some point or other. It does not make a difference whether or not i am the President of NEC. Period.

2010-05-14T05:38:00.001-07:00

I've just recovered from my illness, but now i'm sick again. It's back, and this time it seems to be even worse. Going for the forum tomorrow morning is simply out of the question.

This week has just been awful. At least today wasn't too bad; NEC study session somehow turned out to be study session with Si Ying, Cheryl, Yong Jia and Yong Jia's friend (I really don't know who that guy is). So despite the extremely intimidating Geography and Economics lecture notes piled up in front of me, it was pretty fun because Yong Jia just kept making us laugh (: I stayed in the MI library from 1pm all the way to 6pm, taking only toilet breaks in between. I'm proud that i finally managed to do some productive studying.

Was so dazed on the way home i knocked into a lamp post. Now there's a lump the side of a 20-cent coin on the right side of my forehead, and it's really painful, not to mention downright embarrassing.

..............

......................

I'm so sorry. I'm really really sorry that i had to do this. I wish that things could have turned out differently, but hold it against me all you want; all i can say is that my reaction was a defense mechanism. I'm sorry that i had to resort to this.

2010-05-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel like i haven't been fulfilling my duty as a daughter. Mothers' Day (or even birthdays) are arbitrary to me, and i don't set much stock on them. Every year it's just a meal outside all the same. However, i've been hearing that many of my friends actually got their mothers gifts.

I didn't.

My mother always says that she only asks for good results and obedience, and that she doesn't want any gifts because she wants me to save up my money for my own use.

Maybe i shall get her something for her birthday this year (Yes, for the first time in nearly 18 years....Let me reiterate: Useless daughter.....)

I'm sorry for the emotional outburst today people, but even i have a tolerance threshold. Surpass it and that's the result.

Before you start blaming others for the state you are in, please reflect back on yourself. Screw up your life if you want to, but don't do it at the expense of others who are fighting to get their lives back on track in this increasingly delirious environment.

Pre-U 2 Seminar tomorrow. I'm going to bring my half-completed Geography essay to school and see if i can squeeze in 10 or 15 minute windows of productive work between breaks and all that.

2010-05-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

Institute Day.

It was a real torture for me in a way, having to escort numerous people up and down the stage. And it didn't help that my court shoes were killing me and i'm not yet fully recovered from my bout of sickness as of now.

Yet, it was inspiring to listen to all of the Millennians' success stories, knowing that each and every one of them had their struggles and challenges to overcome as well.

I also received the MI Academic Achievement Award (Silver), for PU2 Top Achievers. Although it's an honour, i couldn't help but to look wistfully at the PU3s wearing their Golden Wings and wonder if i'll get there next year.

With that in mind, i no longer have any idea just how hard i should push myself anymore. It gets to the point when i feel immensely guilty just for not revising for a day. Is this a valid reaction, or just plain, simple paranoia?

At least i knew just how hard i could push myself in PU1. Now i have no inkling of what my limits are. It's either (a) My limits are increasing (which is a good thing) or (b) I'm going to go insane soon.

I think i'll give myself a few days' grace before i burn out.

2010-05-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

Just a short post before i go get my much-needed sleep.

Every single A Level student knows what a pain in the neck Project Work (PW) is. The different drafts, juggling it together with our usual schoolwork, exams and CCA, it's enough to drive any sane person to the brink of insanity.

Ms Mariya, one of our PW tutors (The other one is my favourite teacher/HT Mr Toh (:) found a unique way to motivate all of us. Knowing what pigs we all are....

Chocolate cupcakes with chocolate ganache frosting (: We decided to be evil and enjoy them at the cafe, with everybody else looking, muahahaha. No eating in class what!

And this rude-awakening message.....

We have great teachers (: And i'm immensely thankful for them, every single day.

Ms Mariya, can we have a batch of cupcakes everytime we finish one PW component? (: *innocent smile*

2010-05-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

I know for sure that i'm falling sick because i'm currently breaking out in cold sweat. I'm not kidding.

The weather is so humid and it's so warm, but i'm actually feeling pretty shivery, yet at the same time perspiring away.

Oh Gosh. Amazing Race tomorrow. Gonna run around Central Singapore in the extremely thick NEC shirt and jeans. It'll be a miracle if i don't get heatstroke and die.

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE, don't let the press follow my group. I. Am. Not. In. The. Mood.

My dear Si Ying, please get well really really soon! I miss you and your crazy antics ): Please don't be stubborn anymore and get a good rest so you can come back and gossip more with me (: I love you my dear! (: And don't freaking go for Amazing Race tomorrow, for heaven's sake.

Gonna make my way down to Bugis after Amazing Race tomorrow to get plastic spectacle frames. I can't believe that i'm resorting to this just to hide my puffy and swollen eyes. No, i haven't been crying.

Just suffering from the after-effects of lack of sleep.

Just in case you're wondering, my own spectacles don't hide my eyes because the frames are too thin. I need those really really thick frames.

Sorry people. Nerd Alert on Tuesday. Don't be shocked.

2010-05-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

It never struck me just how desperately i needed a good rest until yesterday.

Proof?

For my teachers and friends to look at me and tell me SERIOUSLY that i need to hit the sack. Badly.

Maybe it's time that i let go of the naive belief that i can really influence and change the way certain things go in life. Some things are perhaps, really just not within the sphere of my control. It always takes a bout of sickness like now, for my body to raise the alarm and tell me that i should stop pushing my body beyond the limits of human endurance.

If i sound somewhat incoherent,it's because i'm trying to take my mind off the fact that i really feel like throwing up right now. I shouldn't have stuffed my face with chocolate ice-cream just now; and all i had was one scoop. I can practically hear my body screaming for surrender now.

NEED.

TO.

SLEEP.

NEED.

TO.

STOP.

THINKING.

SO.

MUCH.

UGH.

Screw school projects. Screw life. Screw you.

Oh, just go away.

2010-04-28T06:32:00.000-07:00

Finally, my PI is done. One more consultation with Mr Toh tomorrow during the two-period break, final edit tomorrow night based on Mr Toh's feedback, and then final submission on Friday morning. Yes, i'll be free (for the moment) come Friday.

School has been mostly okay so far, other than the fact that people just cannot resist commenting on my bangs. I know i look strange; there's a reason i grow my bangs so long (to hide the dark circles/draw attention away from my eyebags). Even Mr Sim had something to say....

Please, people, cut me some slack here. It'll grow out in 2 weeks, for crying out loud.

The most ironic thing is that the people who have the most animated reactions are the guys, and not the girls. Question: Does it really look THAT bad?

It's International Friendship Day this Friday. For the very first time, the 8th NEC are taking centrestage. Good luck guys! (: Don't worry too much, just look at the 7th NE Councillor present in the venue if you feel frightened or intimidated. I'm sure all of you can do this; it's essential that it's done well because it's your first time, and first impression is extremely critical.

Am i stressing you all out again? Sorry.

..........

.................

........................

For your information, no, your presence is certainly not appreciated. Quit annoying the life out of me unless you want me to get nasty.

Let me grant you full assurance that contrary to what you believe, it won't be a pretty sight.

2010-04-26T05:54:00.000-07:00

I guess i didn't take Shawn's 'not-sleeping-while-the-hairdresser-is-cutting-your-hair' advice seriously enough.

It just took 10 minutes for my bangs to be completely massacred.

Didn't i remind myself NEVER AGAIN to say 'Please thin/layer my bangs' before? So why in the world did those words even come out of my mouth?

Sorry people, you gonna get a shock when i go to school tomorrow. I mean it.

On the brighter side, hair grows. At the worst, i just have to live with these awful bangs for the next 2-3 weeks or so.

Is that even a consolation?

2010-04-24T09:39:00.001-07:00

I'm back, for a second time in the same day (: I got sick of studying Geography so i decided to upload the NEC photos, mostly from Investiture. These are all the better looking ones i.e not blurred/shaky, no random fingers sticking in, etc. I won't bother uploading all the spoilt ones, sorry! Limited time here yo.

@ Settlers' Cafe. NEC Outing with just 2 from the 7th NEC and 4 from the 6th NEC (:

My darling 7th NECs! (:

The much-missed 6th NEC ):

MUST TAKE PHOTO WITH TOP LITERATURE STUDENT! :D

3 generations of NEC. The 6th, 7th and 8th (:

Another shot of the 7th and 8th NEC (:

The hardworking NECs....

The aftermath

Sorry for the picture spam....off to snooze now (:

2010-04-24T00:35:00.000-07:00

Sigh. Another Saturday afternoon spent at home. Doing what?

STUDYING -.-

Ah well, at least it's dinner outside after this (:

I think i've been starting to see a clearer direction in life ever since Investiture was over. Despite staying up till past 12 midnight almost everyday to revise my work (while keeping in mind that i wake up at 5.30am or earlier to get to school), i've never felt so contented in a very long time. Perhaps it's because i've begun to treasure even the smallest moments in life. The early morning shouts of 'Auntie!' to Si Ying and Ma Xin; Cheryl's ridiculously loud laughter;the free periods on Tuesdays and Fridays; chasing after Mdm Ong Cai Yun and shouting 'Mother!!!!'; a smile and a wave to a friend along the corridors; listening to Shawn and Izzuddin's wisecracks in class; even the horrible 3 hour Friday study sessions with the 7th NEC....It all adds up; it all matters. It struck me just how much 09A3 meant to me when that Izzuddin decided to play a prank on me; that he was leaving MI for NS this year. I was naive (and stupid enough) to believe it......-.-

He wanted to test my reaction. Brother, you got the intended reaction that you wanted right? Haha (:

I'm really thankful for all the people around me who just make life so much more bearable for me. Especially Cheryl Lim and Soleha;and recently, Rueban, who have already left MI but always makes a consicious effort to show us that they're thinking of us all. 09A3 may have been different ever since 2009 ended; but it's evident that our old spirit lives on.

Another thing that has been making me smile is how the 8th NEC seem to be fitting in nicely. In many ways, they remind me of the 7th NEC as junoirs; and i'm happy to see so many of them starting to grow, not only in maturity but also in taking the initiative to make decisions for themselves. I guess the presence of a badge on your uniform really makes a world of a difference (: Good job so far 8th NEC! Oh, and have fun at the Maritime Amazing Race tomorrow! (:

Off to mug Geography now, damn!

Ending off with some long overdue pictures from PU2 Teambuilding Day @ Sentosa (:

My PW group + Thivya, Hafiz, Ada, Bjorn and Suriya for Amazing Race (:

Smart or plain dumb? There were trams available but we decided to hitch a ride in this pick-up instead. Reminiscent of illegal immigrants, much? (: The team from 09A2 decided to hop in along as well. They spent the rest of the ride shouting 'We love 09A3!'. HAHAHA (:

2010-04-18T05:48:00.000-07:00

This post is for you.

Yes, you-who-cannot-keep-your-hands-to-yourself.

Not only do you obviously possess no sense of morality, taking something that is not yours, you do it at the expense of people who are honest, trustworthy and completely innocent.

I may never find out your identity, but i'm convinced that you'll pay dearly for what you did.

If you're reading this, good luck to you, because WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

2010-04-16T23:51:00.000-07:00

I know this just sounds plain weird, but i hate it when there's no homework.

Because i can't figure out if i'm actually slacking off or taking a well-deserved break. And yet i complain when there is homework.

I just studied Topic 6 for Geography and the types of protectionist measures for Economics. Somewhat alleviated my guilt, but i'm suspicious of just how much i managed to internalise and process.My progress in Math has been pathetic, though i managed to see some light at the end of the tunnel after consultation with Mr Saw yesterday morning. Thanks Mr Saw! (:

Finally, Student Leaders' Investiture is over (: I'm happy because there are no more lengthy rehearsals to go for. But i feel messed up because of a certain gold bar that is pinned to the left side of my uniform now. It feels weighty, both literally and figuratively. My most vivid recollection of Wednesday was just before the actual Investiture started.

Sitting next to Fikri while waiting for the teachers to brief us....

Fikri: So, are you ready for the presidency?
Me: *pained look* no.....
Fikri: That's what you always say....

Somehow this left an indelible mark on my memory, the rest of the Investiture was just a blur.

After the Investiture, i feel as if my pain has increased threefold.

VJC Economics Symposium Preliminary Rounds, P5 Literature Project, P1 Literature Project, YOG Economics Project, PI, not to mention all the emotional baggage that i have to lug around with me from now on.

I am not a religious person, and neither did i come from a family with a religious background. I remember leaving CHIJ Secondary more than a year ago, with a wallet card that was presented to all graduating students. I swear i haven't looked it ever since i left the school. While digging into my wallet just a few days before the actual Investiture, i saw it again....

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace...

It felt like the comforting voice of an old friend. It felt almost as if someone out there understood, and was willing to help me through this.

Off to mug Economics now!

2010-04-11T00:14:00.000-07:00

HOW the heck can i study productively when i just want to fall asleep the moment i sit down, even if it's just for ten minutes?

Damn.My.Life

And it annoys me to no end how people give me that 'OMG' look when i said that i got E for GP. For Heaven's sake, do not attempt to take ownership of a situation when you yourself are pathetically lacking in the knowledge that alludes to that situation. I'm sure all Arts students will agree with me; GP is a SKILL. You can be linguistically skilled but still flunk GP. We all know that's true. Subjects like Literature are different from GP; it relies more on linguistic ability rather than skills.

So, do not EVER AGAIN ask me why i didn't get a bloody A for GP; you have got no right to demand an explanation from me since you (obviously) did not attain that yourself. Ever heard of a grey area? Life is not about the solid facts and figures that you are so used to; life is about questioning and ambiguity. Please go rework your ideas before attempting to reason with me, thank you very much.

I didn't want to say this, but your intellectual ability does not extend beyond the boundaries of textbooks and pure facts. No wonder so many people dislike you; you obviously lack the emotional capacity to emphatise with others. If you truly want people to start respecting you, then please think before you speak.

It works wonders. Wonders.

2010-04-08T05:39:00.000-07:00

Today was a day when i realised quite a lot of things.

1) Deadlines really don't faze me anymore. After 3 months of working with things that are 'due by tonight', i didn't even bat an eyelid when Mr Daniel Chong told me to edit my speech for Investiture by tomorrow. The realisation came when i saw Jamie and Izzuddin gaping in horror and gasping 'Tomorrow?'.

Sometimes i feel like i've become an empty vessel. Empty of emotions.

2) Whichever bright spark who came up with the idea of PW should first analyse and evaluate the feasibility and manageability of this subject (..........)

Infer.

3) The VJC Economics Symposium is truly beneficial. How else would a lazy person like me be forced to read up on articles concerning Singapore's labour productivity?

4) Even the AEC Project is quite applicable. Applicable to that annoying thing called PW.

It's almost the end of the week, and this week has been C-R-A-Z-Y, what with PW, VJC Symposium, Investiture rehearsals and schoolwork. Maybe it's the whole hectic nature of my life lately that has temporarily numbed my emotions.

And you came to mind again.

I'll wait even if i forget which way the day passes.

2010-04-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Just a short post to unload my thoughts before i start on a new week.....

A while ago i was just having a laugh with Wei LIang over MSN. What i said to him was 'I think we'll always be at each other's mercy from now on, as long as we are President and Vice-President'. Just in case you're wondering, no, it's not that we don't get along, but we do tend to bother and disturb each other a lot, especially when asking for help for speeches/contacting the other NECs, etc. Personally i really don't mind helping him out, since a P and VP who can't get along just spells trouble with a capital T for the rest of the council. I'm glad that i've got an easygoing and dependable person like him to work with. Thanks VP-who-is-always-full-of-nonsensical-ideas-and-jokes (:

I've been talking to a lot of people over the weekend, over my position and my anxieties. I know i said in my previous posts that i'm prepared to let go of it all, but it's like an irritating housefly that never goes away no matter how i swat it away. The bad news is, the anxieties are still here. The good news is, it's getting more irritating rather than affecting my mood. Somehow it's lost its ability to surprise me and affect me emotionally. Which is a good thing, i guess.

Sometimes being/pretending to be ignorant really has its benefits.

Hello to another hectic week! ):

2010-04-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

CIP Day at Pertapis Children's Home (: I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves though (:

The location (:

The girls were doing this......

While the boys were suffering big time *Evil cackles* And Thivya the tough nut (:

Mr Sham (CHT) and Mr Toh (HT) (:

'Sisters' of the World Unite!

'Sisters' of the World Unite + Mr Toh

Cheryl and my 2 idiotic 'brothers' (:

Sidenote: I think i need my sleep. Face looking swollen and awful.

To move on to something completely irrelevant to the above......

Just as i felt that things were going back to normal...that dream turns its back on me yet again. Why can't i forget you? Why is it that everytime you appear before me, my resolve crumbles? Maybe it's because we aren't as close as before. But i hope that this won't be the end of it all......

2010-03-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

'Pain is part of growing up. It's how we learn'.

Indeed, how very true.

To quote Faisal, 'Being a President is like being in a race. I started off with 2 legs but i ended up with only 1.' Thanks to him, i swear that idea is stuck in my head now. To say these words at the summit of Mount Faber seems strangely oxymoronic. But the sad truth is, this is how it is.

As the Investiture draws closer, i really don't know how i should react. Part of me feels excited taking on such a role;but another part of me just wants to be a junoir again. The magnitude of the challenges facing me are inexplicably big and intimidating. And to know that you hold the highest position in the Council is even scarier; you truly don't have anybody to run to when troubles sprout. You got to WORK on them and SOLVE it. It takes a hell lot of courage to accept that presidential badge; knowing that this is a path of no return for you. You either make or break.

I was just listening to the MC script for Investiture just now, and it suddenly struck me just how superficial everything is. The praises; smiles; laughter......are they all just a part of the facade that we try so hard to portray? Because we can't let the student population see a side of us that would put us at a disadvantage? Or what else?

I didn't want that badge; and i still don't want it now. But since this task has descended upon me;into my hands, the only thing that i can do now is to bravely step up to the challenge. Insecurities and self-doubt should be put aside once and for all, never to see the light of day again.

And maybe, just maybe, i'll be leaving the President of the 8th NE Council with a quote 'Before i was President, i had 2 legs. Now i have 3.'

And that is my dream for every NE Councillor to come.

Hey, i should have just included this in my speech, damn!

2010-03-27T09:53:00.001-07:00

This first week back at school has been nothing short of hectic. Too many things to do!

1) NEC Events (Activism Week, YOG 2010, Amazing Race)
2) AEC Project (I was detached from this since after CTs, but now it's back to haunt me again)
3) VJC Symposium
4) PW Project Tasks

And not to mention, my favourite, catching up on schoolwork......This list may not look like a lot, but the amount of hard work and effort that i have to put in for each item is just too exasperating to talk about. Somebody save me.

I really don't know how some people can load their lives with commitments and still end up in one piece. Are they superhuman, bionic, or a new breed of human being who doesn't need any rest? And doesn't have any emotions, for that matter.

Met up with Izzuddin at the Esplanade library to do research for PW PI in the afternoon. But the library's selection of books was disappointingly insufficient, so the 2 of us took 56 down to Toa Payoh to have lunch and go to the library there. At least i managed to find my books in the end (:

Went home, showered, appointment at the hairdresser to tame my hair that is starting to take on a life of its own again.

Next week will be a short week,albeit a crazy one.

Monday - MC Training 9am-5pm
Tuesday - Visit to Olypmic Village at NTU(NEC)
Activism Week (T-shirt sales)
Wednesday - MI Forum
Investiture Rehearsal
Activism Week (Boardgames Cafe, T-shirt sales)
AEC Project Outing 7pm-10pm
Thursday - CIP Day
Activism Week (T-shirt sales)

Did i just hear you gasp?

Yes, completely understandable.

2010-03-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

I used to be very concerned with how others view me, especially back in secondary school. I saw their opinions of me as an extension of myself; something that shapes me as a person.

Hearing something like that on the very first day of Term 2 would probably reduce me to tears and a state of near-depression 2 years ago. But strangely enough, i've found that i'm starting to become more immune to what others say about me. I've learnt to block out and more effectively suppress my emotions now. As Si Ying said, being a student leader is not at all like how it's portrayed in American high school chick flicks; popular, well-liked, etc. Being a student leader may allow you to gain respect, but perhaps only on an extremely superficial level. You can't please everybody, try as you may. Certain aspects of your character that you believed never to be flawed or problematic becomes the point of contention for others.

Ironically enough, while discussing this particular topic with Si Ying over dinner yesterday, i fonud that i could still laugh and joke about it. I admit that i even surprised myself; this is definitely not the old me that i used to know. I've indeed seen a gradual change in my character; i've learnt to be passive towards judgemental issues, but still assertive towards issues of tangible results. It seems that i'm starting to strike a balance between the different aspects of my own character.

I'm lucky to have wonderful people with me at this point in time. Cheryl, who always lends me a listening ear over our study/emo sessions; Summer, Syazana, Jamie, Shawn and Izzuddin who never fail to crack me up with their crazy antics. And the awesome 7th NE Council; including Ms Choo, Ms Koh and Mr Sim for their encouraging words and unfailing support. Perhaps this is what makes everything a lot more bearable. I still have things to live for and goals to strive for and attain.

To the person who has been gossiping behind our backs. As the saying goes, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'. I don't know what your aim is; heck, i hardly even know you. But just for your information, nothing that you say about me will change anything. If there is something in me that is really bugging you, then please, have the courage and the courtesy to say it to my face and not behind my back. At least i will still have respect for you on the grounds of your caustic honesty.

By the way, a very big thank you to Wei Liang for buying the cake for mine and Ma Xin's extremely belated birthday celebration. And thanks to the 7th NEC, for making my life beautiful again, as always (: I love all of you from the bottom of my heart (:

2010-03-19T05:33:00.000-07:00

Life is all about making choices. More often than not, we make the wrong choices rather the right ones. I'm convinced that you're making a terrible mistake; however i'm not in the position to force my own beliefs and ideals onto other people, neither do i fancy becoming a captive of other people's lives. I can just watch from the sidelines and hope with all my heart that you will emerge unscathed. As your friend, i regret that i can't do more for you. It's your life, your choice. I just hope that you know what you're doing and where you're headed. At first i blamed myself for not being there for you; but now, i shall cease blaming myself...because it is no fault of mine that you have chosen this path.

I'll just watch and wait...

Today's picnic was cancelled. Good thing it was, because it literally rained the whole day, and it showed no signs of letting up. And i haven't got to experience the pleasure of surfing the net on a rainy afternoon with a hot drink by my side. Perhaps i live for these simple moments of rest and relaxation now. This is because when school reopens, it's going to be one hell of a ball game once again, with all the things coming up. I've been entered for yet another Economics competition; the VJC Symposium. 2 months ago i would have cringed at this very prospect, but now, the thought of my SGC and training for PW OP seems enticing (: I'm sorry, this is a pragmatic society we're living in.

Speaking of PW, the moment which the PU2s have all been waiting for (or dreading,rather) is finally here:The release of the topics for 2010 PW. Shall gear myself up for the rigour once again. It won't be an easy fight; but i feel comforted by the fact that i have great group members (: We'll go through this together guys, as we always have done!

Yet another milestone to overcome, and plenty of obstacles along the way. But this time, i promise myself that i won't give up without a fight......

2010-03-18T07:12:00.000-07:00

What March Holidays?

This is self-explanatory.

Life has been pretty much like a rollercoaster ride for me so far. The ups and the downs, the highs and lows; that all pretty much contributed to a slight sense of identity crisis for me. But it's okay, it's nothing i can't take (:

Something just dawned on me last night (or make that this morning if you wish), as i was studying Geography and doing NEC proposals/agendas etc as usual. It was close to 3 am in the morning, and a thought crossed my (....sleeping....) mind. Right at that very moment, i knew that some of the rest of my friends were having fun outside. And i asked myself; What am i aiming to get out of pushing myself so hard? It feels almost perverse that i truly do get a sense of satisfication from testing my limits and seeing just how far i can stretch my abilities.

I could very easily forsake my work and go out to have fun, but yet i've chosen to take the path less travelled; by continually challenging myself to do what nobody would want or dare to do. Despite my initial sense of loss and frustration, i'm glad that i'm finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels good knowing that i am in full control of the direction in which my life is going; at least i know that i am at the helm of my ship and not letting someone else do the job of controlling my life. So, despite waking up every morning not exactly liking the person i see in the mirror(in terms of degenerating physical appearance due to lack of sleep), i do realise that i'm starting to fancy this more mature and rational Rou Urn that i haven't seen for some time. No doubt i've shed many tears, but i believe that with every tear i shed, i become stronger. Eventually i'll be able to reap the benefits of my hard work; that i'm certain of (:

So that's enough of philosophical talk for now.

Despite feeling pretty much ready to conk out, these March Holidays have been fruitful, except for today's Economics lesson, eck-hem. Haha. Had lunch with Cheryl and took the train down to town with her after that. It felt good talking to her, knowing that things are certainly looking up for her. I'm truly happy for you (: As for myself, i won't allow my emotions to get into the way of my actions anymore. From now on, i shall act according to what my head tells me to.

Picnic at Marina Barrage tmr with the lot. It'll be a fruitful one, considering how detached i've been getting with many of my friends. I'll take it as an opportunity to rest and relax, as well as catch up with each other (:

So that's pretty much as it is for me now (:

Ending off with some pictures of NEC Family Day.....

This generated shrieks of 'Act cute!' from Ma Xin. Ironic that it was her who told me to pose in the first place....-.-

7th and 8th NEC bonding session @ Mount Faber.....

2010-03-13T07:13:00.000-08:00

My official report for Common Tests are out.

H1 GP - E
H1 Math - B
H2 Geography - A
H2 Economics - B
H2 Literature - B

Not bad, you will say. Sure, it really isn't all that bad. But why do i still feel such a strong sense of unease looking at this list? Am i over-focusing on that E for GP? Or am i envisioning the As and Bs falling to Cs, Ds, or even Es by Promo 1? I swear i won't take these results for granted. After so much reiteration by the teachers (Mr Toh, Mr Sham, Mr Yew) about my presidency and my new-found responsibilities, i've resolved to work even harder from now on, no matter what it takes.

This is how reality is like; it comes in spurts of moments. It hits you right in the face without yourself even realising it. And before you know it, life suddenly becomes a lot darker. You're unable to pull yourself out of that abyss of desperation.

Someone once commented that i'm the sort of person who puts too much hope and too much stake on the things that i cannot achieve; rather than on the things that i know i can achieve. This is why i always end up sorely disappointed and unable to accept reality. Maybe, just maybe, this could perhaps be true.

Maybe it's time i learnt to grow up and stop toying with dreams that are so far out of my reach.

Cheryl, i just want you to know that i completely empathise with you, and that you're not going through this alone. If you ever feel insecure again, just remember that life is about making mistakes and learning from them. We must accept pain as a way to enrich ourselves and grow in maturity. It may be a cruel reality that's hard to swallow, but i believe that you are stronger than that (: The two of us may be on the same bloody boat that we're trying so hard to get out of, but i promise that i'll stand by you whatever you may choose to embark on. And when times get hard, there's always me you can count on (: So enough about the insecurities, and embrace what truly matters to you right now. I'll speak for myself here as well. Life WILL get better, trust me (:

To put things into perspective, you're truly someone i do not want to give up on. But if the time comes when it becomes apparent enough that i will have to let go eventually, i will. And i promise myself that that process will be as painless as possible. If i desire to be truly happy, what stock do others' thoughts and feelings hold in my heart?

None. None at all.

2010-03-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

I should really be sleeping now, but my brain feels too active to go into hibernation mode. Maybe blogging will empty my mind of the excess thoughts.

Gave my presidential speech today. A very big thank you to 09A3 for cheering for me. You have absolutely no idea how unnerving it is to be up there and how comforting it is to hear your own classmates cheering for you. Thanks guys! (:

Anyway, to be up there, for the first time in such a position, brought back many memories of my secondary school life as a Student Councillor. How similar they are,and yet so different. On the way back home, aside from flipping over proposals over and over in my mind (and falling asleep in the process), for the first time since joining MI NEC, i suddenly felt a fleeting urge to go back to being a Student Councillor in CHIJTP. No doubt some of the memories back then were dreadful, but where else does all my strength and determination today come from? The dreadful experiences back then, of course.

So to just allow myself to reminisce, i shall post photos of the good old times. Gahhh, always makes me want to cry.

Beijing/Inner Mongolia Trip 2007! I feel old just looking at this.....

This reminds me of how we were all moved to tears by that one particular story.....

My First Ever Student Council Investiture! Yeah, no prizes for guessing where i am! (:

Sec 2/2 06' Amazing that it's been almost FOUR years. Age is slowly catching up....

OK. THIS ONE IS INTERESTING. HAHAHAHA.

SJI/IJ Combined Student Council/Prefectorial Board Camps. Ahhhhhhh.

After looking at all these, perhaps it's really time for me to move on......

2010-03-08T06:17:00.000-08:00

Finished everything that i needed to a little before schedule so i decided to surf the internet for a while.

Got back the Common Test results for H1 GP, H1 Math, H2 Geography and H2 Economics today. I'm fairly satisfied with everything, especially Geography. My first H2 A grade in MI, yay! (: But GP was a huge disappointment, i dropped many grades down from PU1 Promo 2. Looks like the half-ball argument is still most dependable, sorry!

H2 Literature tommorrow. Hope that i'll be able to do satisfyingly well.

Stayed back after school for a while to see Ms Choo regarding my presidential speech. Apparently Mr Toh showed Ms Choo my Geography Tutorial 4 with the comment 'Looks like it's typewritten ah?' Excuse me, invasion of privacy, much? Haha. Yeah, my handwriting never fails to be the subject of discussion among the teachers.

Met Kun Ming, Izzuddin and Shawn in the bus by accident. Was intending to go home and get takeaways but decided to follow the three guys for dinner at West Mall. Felt pretty zombie-fied after meeting Ms Choo, but putting Shawn and Izzuddin together is like watching chaos in action. You people are so freaking funny (:

Reached home around 9pm. Bathed, finished Math Assignment 3A. Stone.

I think i got nothing else to say already, hahaha.

2010-03-07T05:13:00.001-08:00

It's been a little while since i've last posted, and plenty has changed in that span of time. Some good, some not so good, but to fulfill my latest policy of ignorance, i shall not dwell on the not so good things.

First of all, life is going to be different from now on. How different, i don't know and i don't really want to know, but it will certainly be different. Accepting the presidency of the NE Council has perhaps been one of the most painful decisions of my life. Not that i was given much of a choice, but i am actually entitled to back out if i feel that i am not up to it. Even after accepting it, i'm still plagued with insecurities everyday since then. And it doesn't help when everybody keeps reminding me to maintain the standard of my studies and at the same time, preserve the image, credibility and reputation of the NE Council. The road ahead is not going to be easy.

Yet, i must thank the 6th and 7th NEC for the amount of faith that has been shown in me. I promise i won't be a disappointment (:

And yet.....

I haven't forgotten about you.

I've been thinking more about you lately, and definitely a lot more than usual. Sometimes i wish that i can just give up all the hopes that i have of you. Why put myself through so much pain in order to attain a dream which is not even within my reach? I sometimes even hope that something will happen; something that will crush my image of you so i can stop pinning for you so hopelessly in this manner. With every day that passes, my frustration grows. Why is it that i am unable to get through to you no matter how hard i try? We may be fairly close, but what of that if i'm not even able to convey something relatively simple to you?

I may sound cross, but all that i feel for you is tenderness and nothing else. Can't you feel it in the way i look at you, even in the way i only show my weaknesses in front of you and only you?

I really don't know what i should do. I've never felt so out of control and out of tune with my own life before. And you're the reason why.

The hike this morning up to Mount Faber with Ma Xin, Si Ying and Wei Liang was a good one. At least it helped me to clear some of the mental cobwebs that i've been plagued with for the entire week.

2010-02-27T23:02:00.000-08:00

I'm supposed to be taking my nap now, but i have to wait for my hair to dry first, so here i am. Another 'i'm bored' post.

Was supposed to be going out with my family today, but dammit, my stomachache is back to haunt me again. My father says it's a psychological thing. I don't even know what's wrong with me now. Now i'm contemplating if i should drag myself to school tommorrow, but knowing myself, i'll probably show up tommorrow morning, looking like a fright and hating the world.

Sometimes i really hate myself for being such a bitch.

So, i still don't know why i'm in so much pain despite 2 days of medication, but i suspect food poisoning. I doubt it's just as simple as a stomachache. Not to mention the current mean temperatures of 34 degress celsius in the day, it's enough to make any sane person go insane.

Please, don't let me be sick any longer. I promise to sleep by 11 every night if that's what it takes. Sigh.

[Edit]

Just got up from my nap. Feel slightly better (i think). Will go to school tommorrow, i don't fancy papers being given out while i'm not around. The suspense of having to call a friend to ask for your grades. Nice eh?

Unless papers aren't given out tommorrow. Aiya. Whatever.

2010-02-26T20:47:00.001-08:00

So my health has been deteriorating. Looks like my mother's constant naggings for me to take care of myself while in school has fallen on deaf ears yet again. Now i look back at my lifestyle for the past 2 months or so. Infrequent mealtimes, late nights, never giving myself a rest from my schedule. No wonder i'm so sick now. Not to mention the Chinese New Year period.

'You don't treasure your life is it?'

Yeah, perhaps i've just been playing around with my health for a long time. Time to stop, if i still treasure my life, and my sanity, come to that.

For the people who have been very worried about me, don't worry, i'm fine now (: And thanks for your concern. This was bound to happen sooner or later anyway, seeing how i've been just pushing myself to the limit for a whole month and beyond. Heaven is kind enough to let me fall sick after Common Tests and not in the middle of it or something.

Oh, i've yet to thank everybody for all your wonderful birthday cards! Sorry, long overdue, i know. But i'm glad to know that you guys have me in your thoughts (though i'm hardly around lately, dang). 09A3 rocks! (: Thank you NEC aunties Si Ying and Ma Xin, Izzuddin, Shawn, Yu Xian, Cheryl Lee, and the rest of 09A3. Yes, Soleha, i still consider you to be part of 09A3 (:

Yu Ting, for future reference, no i don't appreciate people calling me a nerd -.- Even more so on my birthday card! But you're forgiven this time (: One more time.....

To my best guy friends Shawn and Izzuddin, i know it must have been a pain for you guys to make that Oreo cake, despite using an instant mix (eck-hem). Thanks anyway, it's soooo sweet of you two to make something for me and Cheryl! (: I didn't show it but i was really touched! And you've just proven to me that guys CAN bake! Heh.

Will post pictures soon if possible (:

NEC Outing later! (: Don't worry Si Ying, I'M OKAY I SWEAR. Sitting at home with nothing to do is boring me to tears.

Till next time then!

2010-02-25T03:54:00.000-08:00

The pain of being a Literature student.

'Okay everyone, time's up. Pens down please. Shawn...Rou Urn....*Pause* Hafiz, if you continue i'm going to minus 1 mark for every word that you write out of the time limit'

I was penning down my last word okay. I swear.

So, i managed to finish the paper at least, but i'm a little worried about the length of my paragraphs for TOTS. 3/4 of a page for one paragraph! And it didn't help when i saw the mouths of the rest hanging open upon catching a glimpse of my essay.

Hopes for Divine Intervention.

Chanced upon this photo while i was searching through my Photobucket account.

CHIJTP Student Council Camp 2007! Yeah, bad hairstyle, cheeky smile, and everything else.

Bad photo, but great memories (:

2010-02-20T08:01:00.000-08:00

The house feels big, scary and creepy now. Funny that i'm feeling like this all of a sudden, since i've always felt safest at home. But something within me is changing. Something that i need to start coming to terms with.

I didn't really celebrate my 18th birthday, partly because i'm fearful of the responsibilities and expectations that would come along with it. And yet, i seem to be thriving on fear since the beginning of school this year. Fear of not meeting deadlines, fear of criticism/rejection....

Perhaps it's fear that keeps me going most of the time. After all, what's life without a bit of a thrill? Thrill is a subjective word, since i'm trying so hard to look at this in a positive light.

The thoughts above came after many people have brought truckloads of comments to me. How i've become more withdrawn and isolated from others, how i'm starting to become even more solemn and quiet (which is a bad thing because i'm already an introvert to begin with). And that, to an extent, is true. How many clique outings have i missed so far? Plenty. How long has it been since i've sat down properly to have a good talk with my parents? I can't even remember. How long has it been since i've not walked at a neckbreaking pace? I don't even remember the last time i took a leisurely stroll. After spending so much time chasing after the tangible pleasures of life (e.g. good results), i think i've lost sight of what truly means to me.

I should really start to get a hold on myself and reflect.

And i should stop trying to decipher the internal workings of your brain, since it reaps no results eventually anyway.

But you mean too much to me for me to give up. I'll keep trying, till i manage to break through it.

2010-02-16T05:50:00.000-08:00

As quoted from Izzuddin, i've made 18 full revolutions around the sun (: Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes!

Went to Jamie's house today for my birthday celebration cum CNY gathering. I'm too lazy to blog about it, so i'll just let the pictures do the talking. I know, it's been AGES since i've uploaded photos. This time i really am too lazy to type.

A candid shot by Syazana.

Green Tea+ Yakult? Somehow it turned into an episode of Fear Factor for Jamie ^^

Having steamboat. 4th day in a row already -.- I should get more sleep, seriously.

Yours Truly and the TapTap Freak (:

2010-02-14T08:12:00.000-08:00

Happy Lunar New Year and Valentine's Day to all (:

Just came back from a day of visiting, as usual. Wanted to study while visiting but ended up falling asleep in front of the television instead -.- All that precious time to do something productive all gone to waste. Will do so after i finish typing this post (:

I guess i'm posting because i need to get things off my chest. It's not particularly bothering me, but it's enough to cause me to stone/gaze blankly into space for 15-20 minutes at a stretch. As always, i kind of feel overloaded because of NEC. Not that i have that many commitments, but i feel overwhelmed. Total Defence Day was just over, and right after the CNY holidays we'll have to start preparing for the next event. A 4-day weekend is not enough to compensate for 1 month of less-than-5-hours-per-night sleep. Enough said.

Next is something that comes to haunt my subconsicious when i'm not doing anything in particular (for example, stoning on the bus back home). After hearing what you said to me last night, it seemed that your meaning was obvious enough. But is it me, or do i detect a certain element of slyness in that statement? Again, wishful thinking on my part? Or are my instincts right? Or am i close to suffering a mental breakdown?

It could well be a combination of all three, my goodness. I really am going to lose my sense of rationality soon. Or rather, what's left of it -.-

We're after the same rainbow's end,
Waiting round the bend,
My huckleberry friend,
Moon River,
And me.

And this is for you, my dear.

2010-02-07T07:02:00.000-08:00

Bloody hell. It's 11 pm and i should by right be in bed. But i'm not. My brain feels highly-wired now, for some unknown reason.

I'm just worried. Worried about this coming week.Worried about that PW 'bad news' that Mr Sim refused to tell us about on Wednesday. Worried about morning pledge duties.Worried that i'll just make a fiasco out of TDD/Outreach. Worried about CTs.

Damn my life.

Oh yeah, i gotta apologise to Shawn. Shawn, if you're reading this, i'm sorry about my tone on the phone just now. I really wasn't angry at you. It's just that everything in my life is a little crazy now, and i'm sorry that i sounded so annoyed when you didn't get the bit on monetary policies. I promise i'll try to control my temper better from now on. And stop biting everybody's heads off.

...

...

I don't understand why the same damn thing has to happen to me every single year. Every year it feels so bloody familiar and yet so distant. Or maybe it's just that people like to take me for a fool, play around with my feelings and see what my response will be like.

I want to hate you but i can't bring myself to. Paradox, much?

Wait a minute.

What was the point of this post again?

2010-02-06T08:14:00.000-08:00

The List of Things That Are To be Accompolished (By Sunday Night)

1. Study TNCs for Geography (I was reading through the notes just now, but was falling asleep, so i'm suspicious of how much actually went in)
2. Prepare the cue cards for TDD emcee-ing (I'm getting jumpy just thinking about this)

So....pretty much everything completed, which is saying something because i was literally in a state of limbo last night. CTs are 2 weeks away, and despite me feeling naturally anxious, i don't think it would be that bad. Economics has been a drag and so has Geography and Literature, but at least i understand what goes on in lessons. Math was a horror at first, but i think i'll live; it wasn't that difficult after i really sat down to think through it. GP is just...like that. I've always felt the most unsure about GP, because my performance can really vary. Ah well. Chinese is done and over with; all that's left to do is to hope for the best (:

Given my current calm and contemplative mood, i've finally had some time to look back to my first month of PU2. True, it has been hell, what with NEC, schoolwork, timed assignments, projects, presentations, mock PW....but i survived the one month, and emerged stronger than ever (I hope). But i think the people who has really made a difference to me are my 7th NE Council mates. We've had our ugly spats, disagreements, conflicts, but at the end of the day, i really don't know what i would have done without you guys. All of you. To the 6th NE Council senoirs as well, even though orientation was chaotic, you guys still gave us so much encouragement and the faith that we've never had. Thank you so much (:

Now that our activities are gradually scaled down in view of the upcoming CTs, i actually feel a little sad. I will really miss the days after school when we sit in the library discussion room and rush our logistics. How Mr Singh would make the announcement and we would all rush out of the library as if our lives depended on it (Of course, nobody wants to face the 'disciplinary actions'). After that, me, Ma Xin , Si Ying and occasionally Fikri will go down to West Mall for dinner, swear that we'll stay for 'only a while' and end up staying for at least 2 hours (: Then i'll board the bus home at 8/9pm, cursing at the homework that i've got but somehow always managing to complete everything (:Thank you NE Councillors, for proving to me that NEC is worth joining and making me swallow back my regret when i got into NEC last year.

Not forgetting the most beautiful and dependable 09A3 people (: Even though Cheryl Lim, Soleha and Ryan have left MI, i hope you guys will continue to strive to achieve what you covet out there. We'll always be here for you (: As for the rest, let's go through this year, together as a class. I know we can do it! (:

And as for you....

2010-02-05T08:15:00.000-08:00

The List of Things That I Should Be Doing Now Instead of Blogging:

1. Thinking of what i should post for AEC Project
2. Read through the Literature Skills Package (I'm a 2nd year A Level Literature student and heck, i don't even know what an ode is? I'm embarrassed just admitting this to myself)
3. Revise the extremely content-heavy topic of TNCs for Geography
4. Go back and attempt the 2 questions in Math Assignment 2 that i skipped the other day

Looking at this list already makes me feel guilty, dang.

Currently hovering somewhere in between emo-ness and exuberance. Why? Don't ask me. Too many things have been happening recently. But i've learnt to just set aside what can be prolonged first. Got to focus on TDD as well as getting ready for CTs by next week. Once TDD is over i know that half my pain will be gone. And CTs, don't even remind me. I feel sick just thinking about it. But there's a lot more on my mind nowadays.

You know how the most unexpected things just come and hit you right in the face when you're least expecting it? I've been feeling like that a lot lately. And it's so extreme i don't even know where i should start pondering from. Sigh. PU2 is just...life-changing.

To end off this particularly pointless post.....

Part of me wants to tell myself that all this is in my imagination, but another part of me doesn't want to let go of that fantasy. Can i say that i feel a connection between us? Or is it just plain wishful thinking on my part? Can i say that i feel stressed taking up a more prominent role in school because i know you'll be watching?

2010-02-04T06:37:00.000-08:00

You think that friends are disposable at will. But no, they're not. They really aren't.

Thanks to the people who have been trying to make me feel better. Your gestures are greatly appreciated.

2010-01-23T06:21:00.000-08:00

The end of my second week in school. Whew. The good news is, i'm starting to get used to the rigour of PU2 life. The bad news? The workload increases everyday. Damn.

Another week of lessons and NEC meetings. Finally got to work on the PW Preliminary Idea (PI), which was pretty easy for me to do, thanks to all the proposal-writing in NEC. Started on monetary policies in Economics; it's pretty heavy stuff, but easy to digest once the concept is grasped. We're still in limbo for Geography; i'm starting to get panicky because Mr Toh hasn't began teaching content yet! Math has been so-so as always, but the challenging Probability questions are a horror. Literature is mostly role-playing for Taming of the Shrew, but what's Mdm Shamala doing? Wuthering Heights? Hello? The Birthday Party by Harold Pinter? I thought that was supposed to be our most pressing issue this year!

MPS last night with Si Ying and Fikri. Went to Macdonald's early. Fikri came close to 7pm, and Ms Annie Koh came soon after that. Went for MPS and it was just a classic example of an epic fail. But we still managed to speak with the MP, and left after that. Walked to Bukit Batok MRT station with Si Ying and Fikri, before they went on ahead to take the train and i went to take bus. Reached home feeling like the living dead and looking like one too -.-

Woke up at the ungodly hour of 5.30am to go to school for 7th NEC Learning Journey. Spent the entire morning tying up the loose ends for our proposals, doing work allocations, and of course, finishing up the NEC Vision and Mission. Like, finally? Wei Liang was being a joke again towards the end. Apparently the motivation is go home early is a strong one (: Went to Popular at West Mall with Ayesha and Ma Xin after that to get some logistics for Orientation and CCA Fair. Sat down at Udders for a while until Ayesha had to leave to meet her GP IT Presentation group. Ma Xin and I then waited for Si Ying's call, but were getting hungry so we just went to eat first. Called Si Ying again but she was still at the doctor's so we went to IKEA without her. Had lots of fun talking about *eck-hem* on the way, haha. I'm so sorry Ma Xin, there are advantages of being short like me (: The bus to IKEA took forever to come, and the bus was completely packed. The damn weather was so bloody hot and unforgiving as well.

Went to IKEA and looked for our curtains/blinds for NE corner. SOMEBODY was getting all worked up and excited about calling SOMEONE. Dang. Took pictures of the stuff to show to Ms Choo. Spent more time than expected there, probably because it took us forever to get to the curtain section, talking and talking and talking non-stop. Ah, Ma Xin, i'm happy that you gave me your blessing, lol. Don't worry, i'll take the short ones so you can have the tall ones (:

Left IKEA. Ma Xin went back to get ready for her piano lesson and i went down to Novena for dinner. I'm dead beat now. Managed to just churn out the YOG proposal, and currently still working on the MC script for Total Defence Day. Outreach Programme is still in limbo for me; i forgot to ask Ms Choo for what kind of songs she wanted. Bleah.

Command training next Wednesday. Oh no, don't let me embarrass myself in front of the whole school please; i pray that i never have to do it. And no more standing with our classes with effect from next week; that's not fair, how come the PU2 SC can remain with the class? ): Ah well.

Cheerios for now, i said i'll get up early to study Economics tmr so i better keep my promise (:

2010-01-16T06:16:00.000-08:00

The first week of school has finally drawn to a close. Oh, what a week.

I don't know how many times over this week i was so close to crying, so thanks to everybody, mainly Shawn, Izzuddin, Yu Ting, Cheryl, Jamie and Soleha for never failing to make me laugh and keep my spirits high. You guys are the best! (:

It's been madness from Monday to Thursday; i literally left the house when it's still dark and returned when it was dark. Not kidding. And once i'm back at home, i have to complete work/revise work/do NEC stuff. Crazy! Not to mention the tons of projects, argh. Due to my hectic schedule, i've been starting to cough a little bit, and i'm hoping that it won't degenerate into something worse; this is not the time to fall sick!

Oh yeah, we've got some change of teachers this year. Mr Kelvin Yew for GP; he's good, really. But i just wish he'll stop making us feel so pressured, bleah. Mrs Leong for H1 Math; don't even get me started on that, thank you very much. Ms Huang Shijun for Human Geography; she's not bad, except that she makes me feel stressed as well. Mr Sham as Co-HT. He's pretty strict and scary, but sometimes the way he talks is really hiliarious! I always have to summon every bit of self-restraint i have not to burst into laughter.

MI Open House was on Wednesday. I stood till my legs felt like they were detached from my body. Was chatting to a concerned parent so much, my mouth practically dried up. Despite all the discomfort, it was fun chatting to Ma Xin along the way, and making several amazing revelations about a lot of people, haha. I got called a 'betrayer to the Student Council'; by my own ex-OGL, no less -.- Well, i don't remember owing the MI Student Council anything, haha. I always feel like i owe the MI NE Council something, looking at the amount of workload that we've got there, aish.

Anyway, i guess i have to stop ranting here and see what revision i can do; before the next week has me in its abyss again. Bye!

2010-01-08T19:42:00.000-08:00

So, school is reopening in less than 2 days, but i'm nowhere near prepared in facing the new school term. Maybe my subconsicious mind just doesn't want to wake up to that reality yet, haha. And i'm starting to get all jittery over the YOG Booth proposal that is rightly supposed to be in next Wednesday; the planning for Argentina is done but the Guinea Bissau booth is in limbo, because we haven't been able to contact those in charge. Ah well. Hello to my PU2 life!

The start of the new school year always gives me less than 2 months before i'm a year older than everybody else, especially since a lot of my friends are born in the second half of the year. But anyway, 18 years is a harsh reminder to me that i really am getting old, haha. I knew immediately that i was getting old when i was stuck with a bunch of hyperactive primary school children in the bus the other day. For the life of me, i just couldn't think straight with all that screaming/shouting/crying/talking. I probably wasn't that noisy when i was at that age, hahaha.

So anyway, the start of a new school year. May this year be as beautiful (?) as the previous year? I sure hope so (:

2009-12-29T19:13:00.000-08:00

Gahh, i can't believe this, it's 2 weeks till school reopens! YOG project is still like 30% uncompleted. But come to think of it, i myself am not very sure of how much remains to be done either. I know, i'm a terrible leader -.- On the NEC side,we still have to get the logistics for NEC Family Day. It sounds simple enough, really, but i'm just wondering if the school will reimburse us >.<>

Currently i'm spending what's left of my holidays hooked on the music of Super Junior K.R.Y, but i can't do that when school reopens anymore. Next year is going to be one hell of a year; 3 drama texts for Literature, H1 PW A Level, and H1 Math A Level. I don't want to think about Geography; this year itself was bad enough. I think everybody just got a taste of PU2 Geography by doing the silly proposal for Globalisation. The verdict? It's not going to be easy. Economics...will be as usual, i guess, with Soleha and i cracking our heads every lesson, going home to do more cracking, and then eventually grasping the concepts about a week later. Haha.

Ah well, i'll be off now to slack my time away, while i've still got the luxury to do so ): till next time then! (:

2009-12-14T20:59:00.000-08:00

Guess what people. Remember the injury i sustained in my right ankle 5 months ago? Well, folks, the pain is back to haunt me again. And it comes at the most inexplicable times, especially in the dead of night, or when i'm trying to fall asleep at. Like seriously, damn it. It starts hurting only after i've ran, jumped and hopped around from place to place for goodness knows how long. Sigh.

Shawn had to give me a phone call around 12 midnight yesterday, and drop a GIGANTIC atomic bomb on my head. Haha. Looks like the truth always hurts, and i guess it was indeed frivolous thinking on my part. Deep in my heart, i always knew that nothing would come out of it. So thank goodness; after all, the higher your hopes are, the bigger your disappointment is. And it was just as well that i wasn't present; Goodness knows how i'll react.

Anyway, moving away from the emo talk, the holidays are indeed drawing to a close soon. I'm happy that i really managed to revise my work somewhat over the past month or so, so i must really thank Ms Choo for that study plan that she made us fill in. The visual reminder works wonders, because i'll inadvertently see it everyday and if i know that i don't accompolish what's up there, i just end up feeling extremely guilty. Also managed to make a start on Taming of the Shrew, but i seriously cannot find online study notes for Top Girls and The Birthday Party. And i kind of wish i didn't read the plot overview from Wikipedia about The Birthday Party now, because it has done nothing but planted a huge question mark on top of my head. What kind of weird play is that? I think even Shakespeare is more comprehensible.

Okay, i think this is it. Till next time (:

2009-12-07T06:26:00.000-08:00

I haven't been blogging for a while, mainly because i've been getting progressively lazier everyday. And i've also been trying to complete homework, so that's why i was MIA from my blog for quite some time. Sigh, how can more than one month of holiday fly by so fast? Darn, it seemed like only yesterday when the SLE Camp ended.

The past 2 weeks have been pretty uneventful, except for meeting up pretty frequently with my SLE group in order to complete our YOG project. I was really happy after our last meeting last Thursday because we FINALLY started to make some headway (: Essentially, there isn't much left to do right now.

I just got back from the Explorations In Ethnicity (EIE) Camp. Okay, i know it sounds hella boring, and it is, in a way. But i found it alright on the whole, except that the discussion sessions were way too many and way too long. But then again, considering the topics we were discussing (e.g Racism in Singapore, Race, Ethnicity and Culture), i guess a certain degree of seriousness was needed at least. It was pretty enlightening actually; Sharifuddin and Janice were good in putting ideas across (: A plus point of this camp was the accomodation. Thinking that it was going to be some outdoor camp, i really packed light and made all preparations. I think i've learnt my lesson from SLE camp. But what the hell, our accomodation was at Nanyang Executive Centre at NTU, which is literally a hotel. So imagine how dumb i felt bringing along torchlight, mosquito repellant, etc. To make matters worse, i didn't bring a jacket along and the entire area was air-conditioned. Thanks Pei Yi for lending me your jacket! (:

Oh, the food was also the best that i ever tasted in any camp. Ahhh, it felt more like a vacation than anything else. Though it was undoubtedly a little dull, unlike SLE, which felt more like a boot camp but was so exciting and fun.

So the end of the EIE camp marks the beginning of another camp, NEC Family Day. But that one is going to be more like a work-and-play camp, though with the MI NE Council, so i guess it'll be kind of enjoyable but yet stressful and tiring too. I'll definitely also be able to see the Student Council slogging away in school last minute for orientation *evil grin*. But since my dear friends Shawn and Yu Ting are part of it, maybe, just maybe, i won't gloat so much. Heehee.

Okay, i gotta run now. Till next time (:

2009-11-25T04:45:00.001-08:00

I don't know why, but i've suddenly felt a tinge of sadness that this year is about to end. Despite having been fraught with challenges, 2009 was the year in which i had the most fun in a long, long time. Somehow i have a feeling that next year won't be as smooth-sailing as this year, and therein lies my apprehension.

Speaking to the NEC senoirs the other day really prompted me to think more of what i have achieved in the previous year. No doubt i've achieved much; a lot more than i could've imagined. But why is it that i'm still feeling so down? Something is missing here.

Perhaps, it could just be due to you. I can't believe i'm saying this, i've always thought that you were somewhat out of reach; something i can only dream about but never attain. And yet, seeing you about to leave soon, i wish that i could say something. I wish that i could have used less time this year thinking and dreaming, and instead taking some sort of action. Having received a friend's message just now, i really wish that there is something i can do for you. But in actual fact, there is none.

I repeat, i can't believe i'm saying this. It's ridiculous, even to me. I was a loser from the start; never taking action, and believing that what is rightfully mine will find its way to me one day. But perhaps, that just isn't the case. The strange thing is, i've proven that some things have to be fought for, and i succeeded in making those things mine. But in your case, i never put much thought into it, dismissing it as frivolous thoughts.

I know that you'll probably never read this, but i've always held a little bit of hope. Just a little shred of hope. Looks like that wish will never be fulfilled. I may not have made much of an impression on you, but i hope that you won't forget. I know that wherever you go, you'll always be making a difference. I'll just continue doing what i do best, and do myself some serious justice.

I'm so sorry for the emo portion up there, it really wasn't supposed to turn out this way -.- But aiya, the previous year has been so insanely hectic, i never had the time to stop and think. Now that i'm finally thinking to myself and probing my own feelings, i think i've found what was that empty spot in me; something i've never quite been able to put a finger on.

But it's ok, i'm a strong believer in fate. If fate were to smile on me again, and bring you back, then maybe, just maybe, i didn't wait in vain.

2009-11-23T07:49:00.000-08:00

Went back to school today for a study session with Shawn, Izzuddin and Ada, as well as the NE Council welcome party for the PU1 NE Councillors.

Reached school around 12.45pm, and went to look for Shawn in the library. Spent a good 30 minutes cursing over a stupid Economics essay question, before i gave up and went downstairs to get a drink. At 2pm i went over to the Dance Studio for the NE Council welcome party, and was greeted by Fitri even before i walked in (: Was immediately dragged into a silly game of Uno Stacko (Or something along those lines) by the PU2 senoirs. I actually sabotaged Ayesha, hee. Sorry girl! You didn't get the forfeit in the end anyway (: After that, we played this game called Diversity. A little like Monopoly, except that it's supposed to promote Racial Harmony and increase our understanding of Singapore's diverse culture. I was surprised at the value of this game because it is certainly not boring, haha. Playing with Celine, Fikri, Wei Ling, some other guy (sorry can't remember his name) and Fitri was the bomb! But that was only because Fitri and I won the game in the end, lol. The other group, which consisted of Ms Choo and Faisal, was amazingly noisy, but none of them managed to get as far in the game as Fitri and I (:

Watched Fitri play Congkak with a PU2 senoir afterwards, and Fitri was throwing a mini-tantrum because that guy beat her hands down, haha.

Left around 3.45pm, and then we went to the NE Corner to take a group photo, which was kind of strange because more than half of the PU1 NE Councillors were not around, and so were some of the PU2 NE Councillors.

Anyway, re-entered the library at 4pm, and by that time Ada had already arrived. Decided to shift to the second level because the table was a little too small for 4 people. Attempted the essay question again, but i realised that i really couldn't do it without revising anymore, so i spent the rest of the time till 5pm explaining Probability to Shawn and Ada.

The silly Insect had to appear at this moment (: But it was a nice addition to the otherwise monotonous and dry atmosphere, haha.

Left school around 5pm, and met Vanezsa at the bus stop outside MI, omg. She was doing job attachment at St Luke's Hospital, just opposite from MI (:

I'm currently in a half-euphoric mood, haha. So sorry, but please bear with the occasional strangeness (: