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Wednesday, July 21, 2010 @ 6:12 AM
It's quite unlike me to be posting on a Wednesday night, but i've just completed all that i need to do for the day and my head is swimming with thoughts. The only way for me to have a good night's rest later on is to release those thoughts.

Just a few hours ago, i was stressed to the point of having a nervous collapse. It was only with Ayesha and Si Ying's comforting words that i managed to hold back all the dissatisfaction and neglect that i longed to express. I've been warned before that Term 3 and 4 of Year 2 will be the most trying period of time that we will experience in MI. Despite still keeping up with lessons, i find that the emotional baggage is starting to weigh me down. It's not uncommon to see me walking around school lately with my eyes staring ahead blankly. I'm physically there, but my heart and soul are somewhere else.

Perhaps this could be a good thing. All of the previous insecurities and trivial thoughts that i've harboured are now put to rest, because i know that this period of time is for me to concentrate and not to lose track of my goal.

My near-breakdown just now forced me to reflect. Others can manipulate my thoughts and feelings just to destabilise me and push my buttons, but ultimately, it is still my choice whether or not i want to let others' devious plans ruin my mood and my confidence. The past 6 months or so have opened my eyes to a very different world. It is a world when you realise that even figures of authority, once respected, can turn back on their word with just a snap of the fingers. It made me realise that no matter how ideal i want my world to be, ideality is just not realistic and it never will be.

I had been naive in the past to think that as long as i stay pure in thought and at heart, others will see it and respond to me in a positive way. But the ugly truth is such; some people refuse to admit their wrongdoings and find it much more convenient to blame others for their own shortcomings. Faced with such an unthinkable situation, i have been forced to make decisions that were cruel and probably shortchanged a great number of people. While i am apologetic, some things are simply inevitable.

I'm probably making myself sound like an emotionless monster, but i am convinced that i haven't lost my fundamental moral groundings. At the very least, i have the discretion to know when someone is pushing his/her luck, and i know exactly what to give them in order to let them learn their lesson.

I'll probably become a very different person by the end of this year. A very very different person.